My heart isn't broken. It's my FATE.

Grateful

2011-05-20T05:32:00.004+08:00

It's been a year since I blogged here.
It's funny that I never thought someone would care and comment on my posts.
Thanks guys!
I'm really grateful guys.
Thanks for the advices and comments.
I really appreciate them!

My heart has found a happy home.

January 23, 2010

2010-01-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

New chapter of my life. :)

YM

2010-01-14T01:57:00.003+08:00

I deleted him on my ym list. Wala lang. Seeing his status for his recent ex, kinda hurts.

GRAD PIC

2010-01-12T00:01:00.003+08:00

JUST SAW MY CLASSMATES' GRAD PICS.
PUTA NADEDEPRESS AKO.
GATONG PA NANAY KO "SAYANG DI KA NAKASABAY SA KANILA E DI SANA MAY GRAD PIC KA NA RIN NGAYON."
SHIIIIIIIIIT.
ETO AYAW KO E.
IM ALREADY FEELING BAD ABOUT IT TAS GAGANUNIN PA KO.
GRRR

:((

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

2010-01-11T22:36:00.001+08:00

I got drunkkk tangina ni tri at ni sab e wahahahah fuuuuu after 40 minutes na pag pilit sakin at may black mail pa hahaha tanginaa

STRESS.

2010-01-11T02:07:00.001+08:00

Give me a fucking break!
Not noooooow.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
FUCK YOU!

Miss na kita.

2010-01-07T20:38:00.001+08:00

What's wrong with assuming?

2010-01-07T01:42:00.000+08:00

You’ll be like a fresh egg who has broken and beaten itself…

being ready to be cooked

only to find out no one’s interested.

end you’ll end up

spoiled.

-flyingpaperboat

No one.

2010-01-07T01:38:00.002+08:00

No one has ever gotten me like you. I've never found anyone who makes me laugh like you. You're the one person who I can honestly see myself happy with. the definition of love to me is you.

I took the ColorGenics Test

2010-01-06T21:31:00.001+08:00

And this is the result.
It kinda freaked me out.
Because it was really accurate like that.

Name: jamie
Date: 1/6/2010
Colorgenics Number: 06753214

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted. You need to be recognised as a 'caring person' and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new, but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

ILY

2010-01-04T20:01:00.003+08:00

I can't stop loving you.
I can't even stop thinking of you.
For heaven's sake.

I'm violating my resolution. It's just the 4th day of January.
Tsssss.

GO WITH THE FLOW.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
GO WITH THE FLOW.
DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN.
DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN.
DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN.

Bahala na si Batman.
Bata pa ko.
I still have a lot of room for mistakes.
And besides, masaya naman ako kahit minsan nasasaktan ako.

Nevermind.
Napaparanoid lang ako.

I LOVE YOU.

Impossible.

2010-01-04T03:11:00.002+08:00

I really think it's impossible.
Worst case scenario.

WALA NA.
WALA NA.
WALA NA.
WALA NA.

Nagiging hobby ko nanaman pag-iyak.
De Puta.

I'm not giving up pero dapat ata yan na itatak ko sa utak ko.

Depression can you please go on vacation?
Kahit gano katagal.
Or much better magretire ka na lang.
Go bug someone else's life.
FCK.

New Year's Resolution

2010-01-01T20:39:00.009+08:00

I know. I know.
It's not too late for posting this. haha
I've made this one last night on facebook but I didn't publish it. I just saved it as a draft lol

Here it goes.
1. DIET.
- I know. This is a yearly resolution na hindi natutupad but I swear this time. I need to lose a lot.
2. Get my tongue pierce back
- Yes, I had a tongue pierce last year and it's one of my resolutions last year na natupad. Para sa diet din to. haha the first weeks para hindi ako makakain LOL!
3. Get a tattoo
- A love is pain ambigram. Yeah, kinda emo but the hell i care. lol I really want it. For some years, yun at yun ang nararamdaman ko. Lalo na 2009. lol Parang hindi sya para sa resolution noh? lol
4. Quit smoking
- I hope. If not, minimize it. Before this year ends, I should stop smoking or be able to minimize it then finally next year, stop. My smoking habit is really bad. I've been a chain smoker for more than a year now. I have a heart problem so I better stop.
5. Go with the flow
- I just noticed that I've been "over thinking" and rushing one aspect of my life the past year though I'm not totally ready. I'll just go with the flow and enjoy! :)
6. Stop being extra friendly
- I've been toooooooo friendly and lagi na lang namimisinterpret. And this is the root of conflicts in my relationship. I'm too friendly. lol
7. Minimize swearing
- Wala lang. Grabe na kasi magmura mga pamangkin ko. Iba na generation ngayon. Mas malala pa sakin. So I think If I'd minimize it gagaya sila. lol.
8. Focus on my studies.
- Last year was the worst year for my college life. Yun nga kung kelan 4th year ako tska ako nawalan ng lakas ng loob ipagpatuloy yung thesis ko. Out of focus.
9. Let go of the bad memories
- 2009 has been a tough year for me. I dropped my thesis. A traumatic break up. Catastrophe. I know I wont be able to forget about it so I'll just put it in a box and put it aside but keep the lessons with me.
10. Abstain from alcohol
- I know I really can't abstain from it. Atleast minimize drinking. When I say minimize, I mean occasional lang talaga. There would be occasions I'll be invited to drink at hindi ako makakatanggi for sure. I've been so alcoholic this year. I'm drunk almost everyday for the past months. Been abstaining for a month or two before 2010. :)

Project 365

2010-01-01T20:25:00.003+08:00

I just started my own project 365.
I'm gonna keep it private though.
And I hope I can make it through 2011. :D

What is Project 365?
A project 365 aims to collect photos documenting 1 year of your life. A photo of the little day to day things that makes your life so special and unique.

Why?

Improves your photography skills
Captures otherwise forgotten moments in your life
Easier than writing a diary or blog
Only takes a few minutes each day

Boxing

2009-12-28T14:55:00.003+08:00

Nakakainit ng ulo.
Walang magawa.
Dati tuwang tuwa pa ko ng walang ginagawa.
Ngayon im so booooored.
Well, not really bored.
I wanna go boxing.
Its like a vice.
A good vice.
May ganun ba good vice? lol
Sige sabihin na lang natin addiction.
Hindi ko na kayang hindi magboxing.
And its making me freak out!
Its like pag hindi ako nagboxing tataba agad ako.
Nakakapraning.
Nagiging health conscious na ko.
Charing.
Nagiinit ulo ko.
Boxing is one of the reasons I got to go out of here.
Haaaaay.
Whatevs.
:|

Christmas

2009-12-25T00:04:00.003+08:00

Christmas na Christmas umiiyak ako.

What's wrong with me?

Memories.

Naalala ko lang plans ko for christmas nung kami pa.

Yayayain ko dapat sya mag-Christmas with my family.

If ever matuloy umalis yung family nya at maiwan sya dito sa Phil.

And he didn't know about it.

Everything is ruined bago pa mag-Christmas.

Though di natuloy yung pag alis ng family nya.

Shitty memories.

Kaya bitter ako sa pasko.

I never told anyone that it still haunts me.

2009-12-09T00:56:00.001+08:00

Whatever “It” is about. I never told anyone that I dream about that “event” until now and wake up crying. Yes, you’re way over it. But I already told you before don’t kid about it.

Maybe, you forgot.

It kills me every time I dream about it. Its pulling me back down. I regretted letting my emotions took over me without thinking. I regretted letting those words out of my mouth. It was my biggest mistake. My biggest regret.

Now, I’m back to step 1 again.

Depression would really kill me.

Last night

2009-11-22T13:50:00.001+08:00

I kinda got drunk last night with my classmates. Then my college friends fetch me to go to the condo, just a few steps away from where were drinking. Then one of them asked me, “How’s [insert name here]?” I can’t remember what they exactly asked.

To give you a background or do I still need to? It’s so obvious with my reblogs or posts. I’m having a hard time letting go of my ex. It’s been months (Before you judge me, Yes its just months but you have no idea what I went through those months) and my feelings are still intense and inexpugnable. And the other chapters are unexplainable. lol.

I told them what happened then the next thing I knew I was crying. They were hugging me and all. Telling me that everything will be okay. I appreciate how much they care for me but I still feel incomplete without him.

I can’t stay late so drink beer even if its just noon or something.

Suddenly my mom texted me, “We’ll fetch you at the uni by 7.” I looked at my watch and it was 6:53pm. I was like OMFG. So I said goodbye to my friends. And asked the “lovers” to help me cross the road. Yeah, I’m a dork I can’t cross the streets without anyone with me. When we got to the condo facade, It was raining so hard and we have no umbrella! So I asked them to stay and just let me go on my own. They were trying to convince me to let my mom fetch me at the condo but I just can’t.

I wanted to walk in the rain so I can cry without anyone noticing. Yes, you can call me EMO. I don’t care. The pain feels so intense that time. So I started walking and crying. It was raining really really hard. To my surprise, my guy friend followed me because they were worried that I can’t cross the road (or I might do something stupid like getting myself hit by a car or whatever). While waiting for my mom at the uni, he gave me advices. Explaining [insert name here]’s side and what an asshole he is and that I should help myself to move on.

I frankly told my friend that I just got pissed that day [insert name here] told me that he already have a girl and blahblah but I’m not angry with him. I just can’t. I’m just hurt. I’m just in soooo much pain. I just love him so much that I can’t even get angry with him no matter how much pain he inflicts me.

I love you guys. Thank you for always being there.

Now, I’m sick. Thanks to the rain. lol

I will wait

2009-11-20T23:50:00.001+08:00

I will wait. Though I can’t wait to spend every single day with you, to call you babe or honey or psst, and share my life with you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to kiss you goodnight, argue with you about relationship stuff, or cook for you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to be your girl, to hold you in my arms, to hold your coffee while you drive, or to just cuddle you all day, I will wait. I will patiently wait for the right time, with nothing to hold on to, but the mere thought that all this waiting is the only way to keep you forever.

I want you to need me.

2009-11-11T01:46:00.002+08:00

I'm so sorry if it looks like I don't care. I'm just protecting myself from pain. The pain of the dreadful truth I might hear from you. I'm just protecting you from being guilty upon inflicting me pain through the words that you might say. I'm trying to show you I'm already okay though I'm really not. I don't want you to stay just because you feel guilty or sorry about me. I want you to stay because you need me. I want you to stay because you can't live without me.

I want you to need me.

I love you.

Have you ever been in love?

2009-11-04T03:17:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. But they didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Because love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness when a simple phrse like "Maybe we should be just friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It hurts in the soul, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that, especially not love. I hate love.

-Neil Galman

SUICIDE.

2009-10-25T03:40:00.002+08:00

It's hard to be friends with someone you still love.

With someone you're not yet over with.

Then you'd see him/her with someone else.

It's like pushing yourself to death.

SUICIDE.

Songs

2009-10-25T02:50:00.001+08:00

There are still a lot of songs that I wanted to sing for you.

But there's no more chance.

There will never be another chance.

Because you already got her to sing for you

Study. Study.

2009-10-24T00:06:00.001+08:00

I have 36 pages of handouts to study for my finals tomorrow. and I haven't read yet. ARGH. :|

Why did I let it happen?

2009-10-23T20:09:00.007+08:00

I've been crying for days since it happened.

Bumaba tingin ko sa sarili ko after mangyari yon.

I keep on asking myself why did I let it happen.

Hindi naman kasi ako ganon.

Nasaktan ako sa sinabi mo nun pero sige pa rin ako.

Natatakot na rin ako na baka isipin mo na ganon ako.

HINDI AKO GANON! SAYO LANG!

Oo, sige gusto ko rin yung nangyari partly, pero mas nananaig yung takot ko mawala ka sakin pag hindi ko ginawa yun. (I know it's stupid.)

Alam mo yun ansakit para sakin na puro IKAW at IKAW lang iniintindi ko.

Yung tipong kahit galit ako or naiinis ako, ikaw pa rin iintindihin ko.

Ang hirap magworry sa taong hindi naman nagwo-worry ng katulad sayo.

Hindi ko alam. Ewan.

After nun, I felt so wrong.

You became cold.

WRONG MOVE.

I dunno what to think.

Nagtatalo pa rin yung isip ko:

Whether iba ka sa mga typical na lalake o katulad ka rin nila.

You know what I mean.

Super confused ako.

Iba naman kasi pagkakakilala ko sayo e.

I dunno what to think.

FCK.

I just feel so wrong right now.

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita.

Hindi ko alam.

2009-10-21T21:44:00.001+08:00

Hindi kita magets.

Hindi ko alam kung ano gusto mangyare.

Iba yung sinasabi mo sa kinikilos mo.

Hindi ko na alam.

Nasasaktan nanaman ako.

Alam ko naman alam mo yun.

Hindi ko na ata kilala sarili ko.

2009-10-21T21:42:00.003+08:00

Hindi ko na ata kilala sarili ko.

Hindi naman ako ganito dati.

Nag-aaral.

Matiyaga.

Mahilig magbasa.

Walang tres.

Occasional uminom.

Ngayon.

Tamad mag-aral.

Pabaya.

Tamad magbasa.

Puro inom.

May FA ako.

WTF.

2009-10-09T02:30:00.003+08:00

I wanna go somewhere far.

I wanna disappear.

I wanna die.

You're still the one.

2009-09-21T16:50:00.003+08:00

I saw “FOREVER” the moment I’ve look into your eyes.

The moment we held hands.

The moment our lips touched.

But shit happens.

After all the hurtful words thrown, the tearful nights and the pain I’ve been through, you’re still the one who owns my heart.

You’re still the one.

I still see you as the one who would kiss me when the priest says, “You may kiss the bride.”

I still see you as the one who would hold my hand while I’m giving birth.

I still see you as the one who would be nervously holding my first born baby.

I still see you as the one whom I’d hold hands with when I’m old.

I still see you as the one who would cry when I die.

You’re still the one I believe in.

Gushes of emotions.

2009-09-18T03:29:00.004+08:00

~Saw this site.. Tagos e. super tagos. :|

I ruined my own day.. argh..

Anyone could tell me to just give up and move on and I wouldn't, but they don't understand... they don't know him and they dont know what it's like to want him so much. -Jenna B.

I never thought I'd risk the chance of getting hurt again, but for some reason when I'm with you, it all seems worth it.

So I guess I have some guys that would like a chance with me, but why do I say no, why do I not give them a chance, oh yeah because every time I even think of someone else, my thoughts are interrupted by thoughts of you.

I am just wondering, does it hurt you to know that everytime I see you I feel like crying? That when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain away.

You're allowed to break the rules when you want someone bad enough. My friends tell me to let go. They don't think he's right for me. Well, I need him so I'm going to keep holding on tight until he realizes that he needs me too

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can't because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

The higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down.

How could I have been so blind and not seen that you only wanted to be friends? Oh yes, I know why. Because you acted as if we were more than friends. You built me up only to let me fall, and not help me back up again, and here I am on the ground, crying over what could have been.

You’ll never know how much I miss you. You won't See it on my face, you’ll never know I'll never find another man to take your place. Because I'll be smiling when I see you. No my tears will never show. Yes I will always love you...but you will never know.

I wouldn't change the past for anything. I wouldn't change the way I felt, the things I did, and what I said. I wouldn't change who I was, and what you meant to me. The only thing I would change was how you felt back.

I've accepted the fact that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise... no matter how long its been.

And even though I know he's a jerk and I know all that he'll do is hurt me, I still love him. I still want him. And I hate myself for it. - Michelle Burns
Just once I want to be hard to leave. I want someone to stay up all night thinking about me.
I can believe that maybe now we aren't meant to be, and a little later on we will be, only because it is impossible for me to believe that I could have these kinds of feelings after so long for someone that wasn't supposed to be in my life forever.
I never thought I'd risk the chance of getting hurt again, but for some reason when I'm with you, it all seems worth it.
I want to cry, really I do but I guess I just dont want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you hurt me... once again. -Allison Mosher
Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside of me; An emptiness that at times seems to burn…I have this dream of being whole. Not going to bed each night wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me and I want to be seen. -Practical Magic
I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little?
When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.
Isn't it amazing how someone can break your heart, yet you still love them with every broken piece of it?
She wanted to move on, but how could she do that and still stay by your side? Because to be your friend part of herself she'll have to hide.
It's almost three a.m. and I should be asleep but instead I lie awake in my room my head still hurts from the night before last, my only solace is thinking of you, let me dream, give me peace, let me fall fast asleep, cause I swear there will be time for you tomorrow. -Diesel Boy
I just wanna call him up and be like "take it or leave it" but I'm afraid to because I have a feeling he'll leave it, because he doesn't need me as much as I need him.
I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should, but I can't.
Don't be fooled by her pretty smile, inside she's breaking, she's so fragile.
source: http://www.holliesquotes.com/

Hard enough

2009-09-17T05:01:00.002+08:00

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I wanna see. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me."

2009-09-17T04:51:00.001+08:00

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."
-Eeyore

Things were simple when were still kids

2009-09-17T04:46:00.004+08:00

"Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist. When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. When the only movies you could see were rated G. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change...and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day. You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter. When everyone alwayslives happily ever after."

Teardrops

2009-09-17T04:41:00.002+08:00

"Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate? To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

-from Yesterday/Today lyrics

You shouldn't have trust me so much.

2009-09-17T04:11:00.003+08:00

“I know God wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”

Isn't me.

2009-09-17T04:11:00.001+08:00

“Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am…Is not me.”

Jmie.

2009-09-16T03:25:00.005+08:00

JAMIE.

Yeah, that's my name.

It was almost 2 months ago that I changed my name on facebook.

I made it JMIE.

Without the A.

Only 2 persons noticed that "A" was missing.

Somebody asked me why there's a missing letter on my name.

I haven't disclose the reason to them yet.

I was so shy to tell them truth so I just tell them "For a change."

It was really cheesy.

I was afraid that they'd laugh about it.

It was also 2 months ago that I lost the love of my life.

Even if we've been together for just a short period of time,

He's been the love of my life.

I never felt that way before.

I never felt that happy.

I never loved like this before.

I never longed for someone like this before.

He's the man that I've been dreaming to be the father of my kids.

The man that I wanted to grow old with.

But he's gone with the wind.

It was like losing a part of me.

The important part of me.

I've been a broken glass.

It's impossible not to lose something when it's broken.

It will be hard to rebuild the broken pieces back together without being cut.

Okay, I'm way over the topic.

Jmie.

It symbolizes my "grief."

I lost him.

I lost a part me.

I feel so incomplete.

It's like he brought with him my "A" when he left.

I dunno when I'll be complete again.

I hope I'll have the strength to hold on to my life.

I hope I'll be able to endure the pain.

Before it gets too late.

IKR.

I'm so baduy.

But this is the truth.

This is how I feel right now.

LOL.

KILL ME.

2009-09-15T23:40:00.002+08:00

It's so fucking painful.

I can't take it.

KILL ME.

PLEASE.

:'(

"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories."

2009-09-15T03:37:00.005+08:00

My mood for today. Lost for words again. Argh.

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

-John Greenleaf Whittier

It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how noble! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent.
-Hannah Arendt

Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.
-Malcolm X

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
-W. M. Lewis

I wanted to die, then. I wanted to destroy the body I was trapped in, become what she was, no matter what it took. No matter how much mutilation or pain. But he looked away, at me. He pulled my face down and pressed my lips against his like he was almost trying to suffocate us both.
-"The Rose and the Beast: Fairyales Retold" by Francesca Lia Block

We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm.
-"The Virgin Suicides" by Jeffrey Eugenides

If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.
-Clifford Odets

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
-Phil Donahue

Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.
-Charles Caleb Colton

To make yourself something less than you can be - that too is a form of suicide.
-Benjamin Lichtenberg

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.
-Arthur Schopenhauer

source: http://www.poemofquotes.com/

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.""

-Bill Maher

source: http://www.thinkexist.com/

"Depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling...People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile."
-Judith Guest

"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories."
-Conor Oberst

"Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

source: http://www.allgreatquotes.com/

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
-Charlie brown

"The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else."

-Arnold Bennett

Source: http://www.worldofquotes.com/

Alone.

2009-09-14T04:45:00.006+08:00

Let's face the truth.

No matter how hard you try to be lucid about the pain you're feeling,

No one would clearly understand how much pain you're going through.

No one would clearly understand how you're struggling.

Sometimes tears wouldn't be enough to explain how painful it is.

Even if they put theirselves on your shoe,

They wouldn't feel the same impact.

It's just you.

ALONE.

:'(

Love is the distance between reality and pain.

2009-09-14T04:06:00.008+08:00

Depression is killing me. :'(

No matter how hard I try to smile, to laugh or to look okay.

It's still showing.

Can't hide it.

Can't gather up my thoughts again.

Another compilation of quotations.

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.
-- Unknown.

You'll know that you miss someone very much when everytime you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick hello from that person can bring the broken pieces back.
-- Unknown.

The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.
-- Unknown.

Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.
-- FH.

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
-- Christian Nevell Bovee.

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
-- Robert Burton.

It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
-- Unknown.
We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love.
-- Sigmund Freud.
Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
-- The Borg.
It was never love that broke her heart
It was losing his sympathy that tore her apart.
-- FH.
A sad soul can kill you quicker than a germ.
-- John Steinbeck.
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.
-- Unknown.
To lose your LOVE is to have a thousand lives and have them all end at once!
-- Unknown.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
-- Murphy's Law of Loving.
Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau.
It's not that the heart grows cold. No, it burns to ash, and the ash grows cold.
-- Joel Welling.
Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.
-- Rosa Parks.
You never really know how lucky you are to have someone, until they are gone and you are left with nothing but memories.
-- Unknown.
To perceive is to suffer.
-- Aristotle.
Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.
-- Stephen King.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
-- Helen Keller.
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison.
-- Lord Chesterfield.
We cannot learn without pain.
-- Aristotle.
Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you.
-- Perry Farrell.
The essence of romantic love is that wonderful beginning, after which sadness and impossibility may become the rule.
-- Anita Brookner.
Pain is a more terrible lord of mankind than even death itself.
-- Albert Schweitzer.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
-- J. F. Newton.
I never felt true happiness till I met you, but I never felt true sadness till you left me.
-- Unknown.
There is only one prospect worse than being chained to an intolerable existence: The nightmare of a botched attempt to end it.
-- Arthur Koestler.
Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry.
-- Unknown.
Sometimes I wish I were a kid again; skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart.
-- Unknown.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-- Carl Jung.
Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter.
-- Bertolt Brecht.
There are hurts so deep that one cannot reach them or heal them with words.
-- Kate Seredy.
Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight, it'll crush, hold it too loose, it'll fly.
-- Unknown.
Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
-- Goncourt.
Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.
-- Albert Smith.
It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.
-- Julius Caesar.
Love is the distance between reality and pain.
-- Robyn Hitchcock.
People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream -- what they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
-- Xander Harris.
Life is much like writing in ink : All you can do is read over your past and look forward to a blank page for your future that will soon be filled with words that can never be erased.
-- Gabe Suico.
He who cries the loudest shows the most pain
He who keeps it all inside dies in vain.
-- Blake Baxter.
The tragedy of it is that nobody sees the look of desperation on my face. Thousands and thousands of us, and we're passing one another without a look of recognition.
-- Henry Miller.
The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.
-- Psalms 55:21.
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
-- Bess Myerson.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Isaac Asimov.
Sometimes it hurts more then we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.
-- Unknown.
Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.
-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
-- Henry David Thoreau.
The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
-- Helen Hayes.
It takes two to speak the truth... one to speak and another to hear.
-- Henry David Thoreau.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-- Unknown.
Source: http://www.farid-hajji.net/quotes/sadness.html

Until I wake up by Dishwalla

2009-09-13T05:41:00.002+08:00

I was browsing Dishwalla's songs and found this.

Reminds me of my blog.

Until I wake up

I rest my head
Between the bed and sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind
Make it dry

Nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
Don`t want to wake up

Into clear space
Vivid vision
See her shape
At my bedside
Beam up my mind please

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
I don`t want to wake up
Ooh, Oooooooh, Oooooooh

Nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
I don`t want to wake up, no
I don`t want to wake up, no
Ooh, Ooh

I don`t want to wake up, no

Fck.

2009-09-13T03:45:00.006+08:00

Arghhh.

Ang hirap.

Super hirap.

Hindi ako galit sayo.

Kating kati na yung kamay ko to click your name and message you.

But I need to stop myself.

I don't want to burden you.

And make you worry.

I'm missing you like hell.

And it's hurting me so much.

Forcing myself to sleep

2009-09-12T07:02:00.003+08:00

After all the things that happened in the past,
You're still the reason why I smile.
After all the pain that I've been through,
You're still the reason why I'm alive.

This past few days, I've been forcing myself to sleep.

Sleep was one of my anesthesia from emotional pain other than alcohol.

Atleast even for that moment, I wouldn't feel the pain for loving so much.

I'll hug my pillow tight and imagine it was you.

And I'll feel relieved.

I'll try to fill my head with the good memories we've had.

Then I'll feel a sudden twitch on my chest and start crying.

I cried because I was happy that there's "US" that happened,

That once in my life, I had you.

Then I'll fall asleep.

Those thoughts make me feel safe.

Makes me feel at peace.

But every time I wake up was always like "a moment of truth."

The truth that I'll never have you back.

And I'll just be a part of your past.

I guess I'll just be thankful that I've been part of your life.

Whether you like it or not.

I still love you.

I'll always do.

It's my choice.

I'm not asking for anything in return.

YOU

2009-09-11T02:24:00.001+08:00

"You"

It's time to be honest with myself
i've fooled around too long
now all I think about is you
and what we used to have

i'm scared to live without your love
coz you were really all i had
now my only love has gone away
and it hurts so bad

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
is you, is you
is you, baby.

It's time to be honest with you babe
you made me a better woman
you cared for me so much
so much you scared me boy

Now I feel you in the air I breath
even though you're not in front of me
you were like a summer breeze
and it's killing me

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

is you babe
You're the only man

I'm tired of crying, come back in my life
think about it, it's been awhile
I've never meant to hurt you baby
you're the only man I need.....

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

is you
the only man is you
the only man is you

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

the only man is you..

:'(

Pain

2009-09-10T05:23:00.007+08:00

"Remember that pain has this most excellent quality. If prolonged it cannot be severe, and if severe it cannot be prolonged."

-Seneca, Spanish-born Roman Statesman, philosopher

"Pain of mind is worse than pain of body"

-Publilius Syrus, 1st Century BC, Roman Writer

"Pleasure that is obtained by unreasonable and unsuitable cost, must always end in pain."
-Samuel Johnson, British Author

"Pain is such an uncomfortable feeling that even a tiny amount of it is enough to ruin every enjoyment."

-Will Roger, American Humorist, Actor

"There is no more lively sensation than that of pain; its impressions are certain and dependable, they never deceive as may those of the pleasure women perpetually feign and almost never experience."

-Marquis De Sade, French Author

"That which is escaped now is pain to come."

-Proverbs

"Everything hurts."

-Michaelangelo, Italian Renaissance Painter, Sculptor

"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.''

-Mary Tyler Moore, American Actress

"Pain was their body's way of telling them that they'd pushed themselves to their limits -- which was exactly where they were supposed to be."

-Richard Marcinko, American Business Author

"We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment."

-Jim Rohn

"It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience."
-Julius Caesar

"It's odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don't quite fully share the hell of someone close to you."
-Lady Bird Johnson

"The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain."

-Karl Marx

-I AGREE. I like this last one so much. lol

CRAP.

2009-09-09T03:54:00.006+08:00

I'm feeling depressed again.

I dunno if my mood's playing up on me again.

I dunno.

I just feel worthless.

It felt like hell.

It's effin killing me.

Depression.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

You keep coming back.

Things will be alright

Then all of a sudden it would be all fucked up again.

Life is so effin unfair.

I guess I'm thinking too much again.

How I wish I could just shut my mind off.

Things would be better that way.

Arghh.

I remember a line said by Barney Stinson from How I met your mother.

"That's the whole point of getting drunk. You do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober."

But I already stopped drinking.

How I wish I could get drunk.

Atleast just for that time I could do things without thinking.

I won't think of the effin things that dismays me.

But I can't.

I shouldn't.

And I won't.

I shouldn't be alcohol dependent.

All of us knows that alcohol won't solve any problem.

It's just like sleeping, only with your eyes open, and waking up,

And the problem is still there infront of yer face.

I just miss the feeling of getting "high" with alcohol.

Errr.

Goodbye Alcohol.

See how emotionally unstable I am.

I'm just emotionally unstable okay?

I'm not a schizo.

lol.

Nothing really good happens at 2 a.m.

Look at this crappy blog.

Now, I'm sleepy.

Hanggang dito na lang by Jimmy Bondoc

I just heard it from the radio.

It's a sad song with a good lyrics/message.

It has nothing to do with my blog.

I just dont wanna make a new post for this one.

I'm just trying to put all my thoughts in one blog.

I'm sleepy.

It's 9/9/9.

Why do people say happy 9/9/9?

I don't get it.

LMAO.

Was 999 suppose to be a lucky number or something?

I feel unlucky about it.

It's still looks like an inverted 666 for me.

LOL.

Whatever.

I already saying nonsense.

I'm sleeping.

[FW] letter to an ex-girlfriend: by speedy kuhol

2009-09-07T21:04:00.002+08:00

AxlRose: Sana ganito mga ex's natin no? http://ayanamidreams.multiply.com/journal/item/23 Basahin mo. Maganda.

Got this G.M. from my Oh so lovable friend, AXL. haha

Wala lang. Natuwa lang ako. Ang ganda e. HAHA.

Regrets.

And the fact that he admitted his damn mistakes.

And Ohhh I so love the P.S. part.

HAHA!

Source: http://ayanamidreams.multiply.com/journal/item/23

Had I known years ago that he was the one who wrote this brilliant viral email I would not have loved it as much as I hated the guy.

Now I love him as much as I could not deny.

Read the original post and the rest of the author's equally Chrysanthus rants in here:http://tsikoski.livejournal.com/17856.html

----------------------------------------

-----------------------------

Sat, 13 Sep 2003 15:43:37 +0100 (BST)

letter to an ex-girlfriend:

by speedy kuhol

to the bloodsuckingleechthatwasmygirlfriend (i mean this in a good way):

my mom would always say to my dad, "kung mangangaliwa ka na rin lang, please naman, pumili ka ng mas matalino sa akin in some way, ha?" of course, she wouldn't say that in our presence, since that would obviously shock us kids, but still, the point remained valid.

in the days long gone (meaning when we were still together) i always wondered, if we were no longer together, who would you replace me with? who else would give you hugs, kisses, who else would comfort you whenever you feel down or lonely? who would put up with your crankiness, your mood swings, your sudden gushes of affection?

i could think of a lot of things the next guy would have to go through, and believe me, i don't really think he's prepared to take care of you (at least not as well as i do ;) ) the way you deserve to be treated... there was always a long list of candidates who were just waiting like vultures around the door for us to fall apart. but i couldn't see anyone among them who deserved to be with you...or anyone who could make you happy.

of course, i'm biased. i like to think that i was the perfect gentleman...ha! in a perfect world. whenever i think of all the times i made you cry, of all the lies you never found out about, of what i could have done instead of what i actually did, i really regret not making most of what we had together. it's not a wish to try again, mind you, but still...i could have done a lot better if i wanted to...

i think it's part of taking you for granted. you have someone, you automatically assume that you're going to have that person forever. it seems like forever sometimes, especially when that person is shouting at you because you didn't call her last night, or is slapping you because you were staring at some other girl's boobs, or is berating you for not talking enough...but still, when it's all gone and over, you miss it. even the worst moments with that person still matter to you somehow, because no matter how much you hated that person today, you always knew, deep down inside, that you loved her, and she loved you back...

stuff like that seems so easy, just another part of the daily cycle of fights, apologies, and making out, oops, making up... it never crosses your mind that your time together is only temporary. it never lasts as long as you want it to...if i only knew that the time you spend together would be over tomorrow, would i have done things differently? would i have taken more time out to talk to you, to see you after class, to put up with your whining a bit more...?

i don't know. i'll never know, because, the time for doing so is past. and i can never take things back. and sorry to say, i wouldn't change things. i believe that we became better people, thanks to what we went through...

i learned so much from you (and i like to think the corollary is equally valid), and i've given and taken so much...we've molded each other's lives more intimately than anyone else could. whatever we've become is, in part, due to the time we shared together.

and that's why i want to say thanks. because i never did so properly. i never got the hang of gratefulness, another trait you often chided me about...but i'm trying to change for the better (emphasis on trying).

thanks for honestly loving me during that time. thanks for teaching me what it is to love someone, and be loved in return. thanks for all the hugs, kisses, useless trinkets that i still keep (unless i lost them). thanks for all the times you screamed at me, cried just to make me feel bad, fought with me just because you felt like it. thanks for being such a jealous girl, because that meant my attention was actually worth something...

thanks for teaching me to value each and every moment with someone, since we will never know when the time we can spend together will end...

thanks for being the one who taught me these things.

do i love you? i guess i still do. "i love you" is something you mean for life, but not always in the same manner, nor the same magnitude. you'll always have part of me with you (whether you like it or not), because i owe you part of what i am today...and whatever i may tell the next girl, you'll still have a special place in my heart....(as the one who taught me how to handle the next girl---kidding! =) )

yours in faith,

speedy kuhol

PS

anyway, the only reason i'm writing this is because your new boyfriend's a piece of shit, and i can't believe that you would replace me with a dick like him (although mine is obviously better) because that means we are both on the same level and i cant accept that fact that he'll only make your life miserable because he isn't actually worth your time and i believe that he is nowhere near who i am and who i became for you.

thanks.

Michael Jackson Medley

2009-09-05T22:14:00.002+08:00

This video is effin nice.

*Salutes*

Need I say more?

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men

2009-09-04T21:19:00.003+08:00

The song that almost made me cry nung nagvivideoke kame.

Thanks God I got hold of myself.

lol.

SAPUL e.

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men

Darling I, I can't explain,
Where did we lose our way,
'Girl it's driving me insane.
And I know I just need one more chance,
To prove my love to you.
And if you come back to me,
I'll guarantee,
That I'll never let you go.

CHORUS:
Can we go back to the days
Our love was strong.
Can you tell me how
A perfect love goes wrong.
Can somebody tell me
How to get things back,
The way they used to be.
Oh God, give me the reason,
I'm down on bended knee.

B-SECTION:
I'll never walk again,
Until you come back to me,
I'm down on bended knee.

So many nights I dream of you.
Holding my pillow tight I know,
That I don't need to be alone.
When I open up my eyes,
To face reality,
Every moment without you,
It seems like eternity.
I'm begging you, begging you come back to me.

REPEAT CHORUS.

MIKE:
Baby, I'm sorry,
Please forgive me for all the wrong I've done.
Please come back home girl.
I know you put all your trust in me,
I'm sorry I let you down.
Please forgive me.

I'm gonna swallow my pride,
Say I'm sorry,
Stop pointing fingers,
The blame is on me.
I want a new life,
And I want it with you.
If you feel the same,
Don't ever let it go.
You gotta believe in the spirit of love,
It will heal all things,
Won't hurt any more.
No I don't believe our love's terminal.
I'm down on my knees,
Begging you please,
Come home.

REPEAT CHORUS TWICE.

REPEAT BRIDGE.

Wanna build a new life,
Just you and me.
Gonna make you my wife,
Raise a family.

REPEAT BRIDGE.

Don't you ever miss being a kid?

2009-09-04T19:21:00.000+08:00

Don't you ever miss being a kid?

When It's okay to cry over little things whenever you wanted.

When you still don't effin care whether somebody sees you or not.

Well, I do miss being a kid.

Bob Ong Quotes

2009-09-04T18:10:00.011+08:00

1. "Ang tao, aminado naman yan sa mga kasalanan nila pero kung lalo mo pang ipapamukha sa kanila na mali sila, lalo mo lang silang binibigyan ng dahilan para iwanan ka.."

2. "Minsan kailangan mo din pala ng lakas para sabihing mahina ka.."

3. "Kung madami kang dapat gawin pero wala kang ginagawa, hindi katamaran ang dahilan nun..may iniisip ka.."

4. "Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan."

5. "Hindi dahil manhid ka ay wala ka nang kakayahang manakit."

6. "Hindi lang dahil sa manhid ka eh ayos na.para kang bato,hindi ka nga nasasaktan pero nakakasakit ka naman."

7. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

8. "Minsan kailangan mo din makalimot para ikaw naman ang maalala."

9. "Walang taong manhid. Hindi niya lang talaga maintindihan kung ano ang gusto mong iparating dahil ayaw mo siyang diretsuhin.."

10. "Kung ang tinapay nga na iniwan mo sa mesa may kumukuha, yun pa kayang mga bagay na mas mahalaga sa'yo? Wala nang nagtatagal sa panahong ito at kung may iiwan ka, siguraduhin mong hindi na iyon mahalaga.."

11. "Paano mo makikita yung taong para sa'yo kung ayaw mo namang tantanan yung taong pinipilit mong maging para sa'yo.."

12. "Ang tenga pag pinagdikit ay hugis puso...karugtong ng puso ang tenga....kaya kung di ka marunong makinig....di ka rin marunong mag-mahal.."

13. "Iba ang walang ginagawa sa gumagawa ng wala."

14. "Parang elevator lang yan, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ang sarili mo kung wala nang lugar para sa'yo? eh meron namang hagdan ayaw mo lang pansinin.."

15. "Ayokong nasasanay sa mga bagay na pwede namang wala sa buhay ko "

16. "Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang taong malapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

17. "Sabi nila, sa kahit ano raw problema, isang tao lang ang makakatulong sa'yo – ang sarili mo. Tama sila. Isinuplong ako ng sarili ko. Kaya siguro namigay ng konsyensya ang Diyos, alam niyang hindi sa lahat ng oras e gumagana ang utak ng tao."

18. “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.”

19. "Mas mabuting MABIGO sa paggawa ng isng bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawang wala."

20. "Minsan, para ka palang nagmahal ng pader. habang mas pinagdidiinan mo itulak ang sarili mo, mas nasasaktan ka. pero siya, 'di pa rin natitinag."

21. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

22. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

23. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

24. "Ang trahedya ng buhay ko? Hindi ako nagkaroon ng kapangyarihan na makapagsabi ng tamang bagay sa tamang tao sa tamang panahon."

25. "Pwede mong iwan ang isang tao nang hindi mo sya pinapabayaan, pwede mo ding pabayaan ang isang tao nang hindi mo sya iniwan."

26. "Ang babae ay parang mga pulis. kahit hawak na nila ang lahat ng ebidensya sa mundo, gusto pa rin nilang marinig na aminin mo ang totoo."

27. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga sususnod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.."

28. "Hinahanap mo nga ba ako o ang kawalan ko?"

29. "Hindi naman iiyak ang mundo para lang sa isang tao."

30. "Hindi mo rin naman kasi kailangang ayunan nang buong-buo ang bawat opinyong nababasa mo. Natuwa ka man o nainis, and importante e apektado ka. Tinubuan ka ng pakialam na dati ay wala. At hindi ko yon ihihingi ng tawad. Hindi ako hihingi ng dispensa sa mga nabulabog kong konsensya."

31. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.."

32. "Maraming tao dito ang mas malungkot pa sa taong nakatira sa buwan. Saka hindi naman kailangan ang maraming tao para bumuo ng mundo e. Minsan isang tao lang ang kasama mo, buo na ang mundong kailangan mo habambuhay."

33. "Minsan hindi rin naman talaga ginusto ng mga taong minahal naten ang saktan tayo. Hindi naman nila sinasadyang iwan tayo para sa bagong dumating. Minsan kailangan natin tanggapin na sa paniniwala nila, mas mahal nila yun. Ganun lang naman talaga, dun sila kung saan sila masaya. Ganun din naman siguro ang gagawin natin, kung tayo ang nasa sitwasyon di ba? Lahat tayo mararanasang AGAWIN, MANG-AGAW at MAAGAWAN. Pana-panahon lang yan. "

34. "Naaalala mo lang naman ang mga kaibigan pag malungkot ka..dahil pag masaya ka, kasama mo sila."

35. "Kung mahalaga ka talaga sa isang tao, hahanap siya ng paraan para magkaoras sayo. Kung wala siyang oras sayo, wag ka nang umasang mahalaga ka sa kanya."

36. "Kahit gaano karaming signs ang dumating at matupad, kung hindi ka nya mahal hindi ka nya mahal "

37. "Pagkatapos ng mahabang ulan, may pitong kulay na biglang susulpot na nagsisilbing tanda na may pag-asa sa bawat pasakit. Parang sa pag-ibig din yan. Pagkatapos ng isang malupit na kabiguan, may mga tao pang pwedeng paglaanan ng iyong wagas na pagmamahal. Kaya lang ang problema, kadalasan sa dami ng kulay na pagpipilian, yung dati pa ring kulay ang paborito mo."

38. "Ang TAMANG BAGAY saka TAMANG PANAHON ay wala na ring saysay kapag wala na yung TAMANG TAO. ang tao puwedeng magadjust pero ang bagay at panahon hindi."

39. "Hindi naman yung taong mahal mo ang mahirap kalimutan nung nawala sya sayo eh. Kundi yung taong naging ikaw dahil sa kanya."

40. "Bakit ka magpaparamdam sa taong hindi marunong makaramdam? Wag kang magpakatanga, sa taong hindi marunong magpahalaga. Matuto kang sumuko at mang-iwan, kung lagi ka namang sinasaktan. Imbis na magtanong ka ng "Hindi pa ba sapat?" Bakit hindi mo na lang kalimutan ang lahat? Kung alam mong binabalewala ka na, tanggapin mong nagsasawa na sya. Wag kang magpadala sa salitang "sorry" at "ayokong mawala ka" kung totoo yun,patunayan nya."

41. "Ang babae, nirerespeto, inaalagaan!Hindi yan PSP na bubunutin mo lang sa bulsa pag gusto mo ng paglaruan.Hindi yan IPOD na papakinggan mo lang kapag wala kang libangan.At hindi yan RED HORSE na pwede mong laklakin hanggang madaling-araw.Ang babae, marami mang arte sa katawan, hindi yan gadget para kolektahin at paglaruan."

42. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

43. "Paano mo masasabing special ka sa isang tao kung ang bawat ginagawa niya sayo ay ginagawa din niya sa iba?”

44. "Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan sa eskwelahan e, nagmumukha ring pandesal. Maniwala ka."

45. "Kaibahan ng bulag sa nakakakita, hindi alam ng nakakakita kung kelan sila bulag."

46. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog.... at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

47. "Kapag pinag-aagawan ka malamang maganda o guwapo ka. Sumama ka sa mabuti, hindi sa mabait. Sa marunong hindi sa matalino. Sa mahal ka, hindi sa gusto ka."

48. "Wag kang magseryoso sa taong hindi naman interesado sayo. Para ka lang nagpagod maperfect ang isang exam na hindi naman recorded.

49. "Kahit anong bagal mo kung di ka naman niya gustong habulin, hindi ka niya maaabutan kahit mag stop over ka pa."

50. "Mas masdaling ngumiti kahit di ka masaya kaysa ipaliwanag sa lahat kung bakit malungkot ka."

51. "Makakapili ka ng lugar na uupuan mo,pero hindi mo mapipili ang taong uupo sa puwang sa tabi mo. Ganyan ang senaryo sa bus. Ganyan din sa pag-ibig,. Lalong di mo kontrolado kung kelan sya bababa."

52. "Wala nman talagang pangit, nagkataon lang na yung mukha nya eh hindi uso at hindi in" -bob ong!

<3<3<3

Got 'em from a discussion board of Bob Ong fan page at facebook and decided to compile them. :) I got everything mixed up i dunno from which books na to.

I usually read his quotations when I'm sad or depressed. Pampagaan ng loob. It helps. Really. :D

I'm an effin fan of BOB ONG.

SICK.

2009-09-04T02:36:00.003+08:00

Para kong may malubhang sakit.

HAHA

Errrr.

Effects of climate change.

People getting sick.

Ayan na.

ARGH.

Nakakaloka pabago bago ang weather.

Super init sa umaga then super lamig pag gabi.

Ayan I got sick.

Cough and Cold.

Dagdag mo pa lagnat.

ARGH.

NEED KALINGA.

LOL.

BORED. BORED.

2009-09-03T01:05:00.003+08:00

I'm effin bored.

LOL.

I need to study for our IDBM (Interior Design and Bussiness Management)

But I'm not in the mood.

LOL, yeah I need to be in the mood before studying.

BORING.

I got 6 powerpoints to read.

With only a few slides each.

Like 15 each.

BORING.....

No more ALAK.

2009-09-02T13:19:00.003+08:00

New Life.

No Alcohol.

Result?

TONG ITS.

Unggoy-Ungguyan.

HAHA.

How are you?

2009-08-31T19:44:00.003+08:00

I've been wondering for a while now.

How are you?

Was he still thinking of me?

Even for just a second.

Was he even thinking how I was?

Bet not.

With all his anger.

IDTS.

Tsssss.

I stopped viewing his profile after seeing that damn tagged picture of him.

It's like preventing myself from commiting suicide.

I hope he's okay.

I hope THEY are okay.

When will I get to ask him how he was without palpitating or crying?

Or will I even get to talk to him?

Will that time even come?

I miss him a lot.

:'(

Team Bangag.

2009-08-31T00:50:00.007+08:00

Additional Pictures of Team Bangag.

From Charlette's Cam.

More to come pa ata. lol.

Sana naman maging legal na ko uminom diba?

HAHA.

Para naman makasabay ako kahit gang 9pm lang sa inyo!

Dapat complete attendance na sa susunod =))

Guys kelan ulit to mauulit?

Soooooooon Puhleaseeee.

Naligo sa ulan. haha.

Girls?

May tama na si Eean.

Haha

Sabi senyo e me tama na. =)) tumatayo na e haha

Ayan sinong wasted? =))

Literal na Rain Dance. LOL.

Cheers madam! :D

Drinking Dilemma

2009-08-30T01:53:00.006+08:00

I was drunk nanaman yesterday.

Pero not much unlike nung 28.

Basag kung basag.

Madaliin ko ba naman uminom e.

When will this dilemma stop?

I can't stop drinking e.

Nauubos pera ko kakainom.

Goodnight Pusa.

2009-08-30T01:31:00.004+08:00

August 28, 2009

Nawalan kasi ko internet connection that night.

So nisave ko muna sa word. lol.

As I was browsing my folders, I saw this.

I know I’m weird.

Weird enough that I have this pictures.

I just wanna remember how happy I am that time.

How this simple doodle made my day when I woke up and read it.

How happy I am when he admitted that he likes me.

I miss the good times.

I just wanna treasure the memories.

Hirap kasi I value too much.

Kahit maliliit na bagay.

Ayan tuloy even yung maliliit na bagay sobrang sakit binibigay.

I just wanna feel the same way I felt at that moment pag nakita ko ulit to.

Kaso hindi e.

Vice versa e.

PAIN.

REGRETS.

Nakakahinayang e. Wala na.

BATIBOT.

2009-08-29T22:57:00.014+08:00

August 28, 2009

At around 12:45 pm I went to LTO to renew my license.

Then went straight to G's.

G's. G's Spot. Gorge's Spot. Inuman.

I was going to meet my friend JR Serevo a.k.a Batibot. LOL

He was a graduate from UST (years ago. lol)

And a former guidance counselor of sienna or st. scho ata

Batibot was his nickname.

Kasi nung nagmeet kame 2 years ago sabi nea nasa batibot daw xa.

E I didn't know na Batibot was a tree.

Lol.

So after that yun na tinawag ko sa kanya.

Tas pinakilala ko sya kay Janna and Eean that time kasi puro problemado kame lahat.

HAHA

so ayun.

1 year ko ata siyang hindi nakita.

INUMAN.

So dun na lang kame sa happy place namin ng mga Educ Babes.

Para mameet nya rin other friends namin nila Eean and Janna.

Si Tri, Danna, Madam, Lyka and Janna pa lang andun.

Nung dumating si Eean, si Lyka and Janna umuwi na.

So Tri and I started drinking.

RH 500ml.

Around 3:30 na ata nakarating si Batibs.

Jomar, Charlette & Julius were there na rin.

Almost 3 bottles na ata naiinom ko nun.

(Mahina po ako uminom and mabilis tamaan)

Hinabol ako ni Eean papunta espanya magpapakamatay na ko.

E di ako makalagpas so I went the other way.

Tas inaway away ako ni Eean.

I was crying na e.

Tas pinuntahan kame ni BATIBS.

Ayun.

SINAMPAL AKO.

tangina anlakas.

Ngayon lang ata ulit ako nasaktan ng physical.

Ayun I started crying so hard.

Haha so we went back to G's.

Nagheart to heart talk kame ni Batibs.

I got all the comfort I needed that time.

Natauhan ako e. amp.

Sakit nung sampal.

HAYOP! haha!

Thanks Batibs kahit nakarami ka sken nung gabi. Sampal. Hampas sa noo.

GAGANTI AKO.

LOL.

After that happy happy na kame lahat.

I was drunk.

Well we all are.

Tawanan and all.

Basta marami pa.

Basta MASAYA.

What happened in G's stays in G's.

Diba friends! :))

Funneyyy. Nahuli pa ko ng mommy ko umiinom. At nakita nyang andun kame.

Napagalitan ako pero it didn't ruin my night.

HAHAHA!

One of the best drinking days that ever happened :D

MORE MORE!

YOU ARE THE MAN BATIBS :)

I'm gonna effin miss you ulit dude.

*Thanks batibs kahit sinusumbat mo pa sken na dumayo ka sa ust from nova. LOL*

Nangangalawang na memory ko may mga spots na hindi ko na maalala. ampepe.

Madam and Jomar

Tri and Danna

Eean and Batibot

FUCK YOU ka rin batibs. =))

Batibot and Me

Batibot and Me.

Jomar and Gen

Akalain mo yun? 1 bottle pa lang naiinom nea e anong oras na. Haha.

Ang kalat dba?

Yung shades na suot ni eean me sala neto! haha

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me naalala ko. I was wearing the same polo when I went to LP.

I was hoping na P would remember whatever memory meron dun sa polo na yun.

Baka mag soften up.

Kaso hindi e.

Nalait pa ko.

LOL

Oh well.

We think differently. :D

ANSAYA! im effin drunkkk

2009-08-28T20:05:00.003+08:00

I'm so effin drunkkk.

I'm so effin pissed off.

I'm so effin happyyy.

hahaha weird nohg?

nasampal pa ko kanina..

tas sumakit noo ko ke batibott

lagi ako hinahampas..

pota..

pero ok alng dude im so effin happy!!

pota. =))

basta ansaya ng ngyre sa inuman tangnena!! haha

aylab my friends!!

aylab batibs! hahah

im just pissed off nwala ung files ng inumanbn pota! nabasa kc ung phone ko.. nalunod sa tubig ng di ko napapansin haha putaaa

Putangina.

2009-08-28T03:53:00.003+08:00

PUTANGINA.

ambilis.

tangina.

ansaket.

ansaket saket!

How I wish you knew

2009-08-28T01:33:00.005+08:00

I miss you a lot.

How I wish you knew

How much I wanted

To taste your lips,

To hear your voice,

To feel your embrace,

To lock my fingers with yours,

And to feel your love once more.

Random Facts.

2009-08-28T00:16:00.006+08:00

I've grabbed this note from my friend.

As usual, kibit balikat na lang ako :)

1. “Ang mag-assume, TALO (kahit 2% pa yan).”

2. “Kung ayaw may DAHILAN, kung gusto may PARAAN.”

3. “BACK OFF (as in back off) sa mga IN A RELATIONSHIP, kahit saan anggulo mo tingnan, ikaw pa rin ang mali.”

4. “Maniwala sa IT’S COMPLICATED na status. Hindi lang chenes yan.”

5. “Learn to LET GO kung alam mong wala na talaga.”

6. “Keep your DIGNITY.”

7. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.”

8. “Ang QT (quality time), at least 5 hours lang per week.”

9. “Hindi dahilan ang TIME.”

10. “Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Kadalasan tama ito mga girls.”

11. “If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. At some case this is applicable.”

12. “Hindi balakid kung magkaiba ang RELIGION niyong dalawa.”

13. “Kung kayang i-workout, i-WORKOUT!”. Kalokohan ang reason na “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.”

14. “All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending… compromise is a two way street.”

15. “Learn to forgive para magkaroon ka ng peace of mind.”

16. “Some can forgive but can’t forget.”

17. “OPEN COMMUNICATION, TRUST AND HONESTY are the most important ingredients in a relationship.”

18. “You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship pag hindi kasi, it can affect or even ruin your relationship.”

19. “Always have your own set of friends separate from his para may iba kang channels that is without him.”

20. “Make him miss you sometimes. when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.”

21. “You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary. not supplementary.”

22. “There’s NO SUCH THING as COOL OFF/GRAY AREA. Kung white, white! Kung black, black! Walang GRAY AREA.”

23. “There’s a possibility that a person can get attracted to another. It’s human nature. It’s not wrong. But that is why you’re in a commitment, you discipline yourself. One may get attracted to numerous prospects and its ok. As long as, you don’t nurse the feeling and do something about it. Borderline between cheating and faithfulness. Recognize reality that you already have the person that can give you more than what you get for the cheap thrill of attraction.”

24. “If you felt it, then it was true. Getting hurt doesn’t always mean you suffered, it also means you loved sincerely. Don’t frown because it’s over. SMILE BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.”

25. “Everything will fall into place.”

26. A man won’t let go if he really loves you. Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you. Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is another reason he is not willing to tell.

27. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship. There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

28. There is a guy who will value you. There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don’t lose hope.

29. Do not believe him when he says it’s just the way he really is. He’s not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

30. He must respect you. No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you. (respects includes not cheating on you in front of his friends who knows you and common friends included)

31. If he fooled you, end it. Philandering once is enough. You can never trust nor respect the person again.

32. Never start a relationship the wrong way. Do not steal another girl’s man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

33. Don’t be afraid to be single. It’s fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

34. You will get over him. Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

35. Be the one. Act like you are the one. Don’t be a nagger. Don’t hinder his gimmicks. Don’t give in to him too easily. Make him treat you as important. Don’t be easy. Don’t be like every other girl he had in his life.

DEAD

2009-08-27T23:08:00.004+08:00

I was bored.

I got no class from 7:00 to 12:00noon.

Stapling prelim papers of the 1st years took much of my time earlier.

At 11am I got so effin sleepy so decided to trip around.

I asked my classmate to take a picture of me lying on the floor.

DEAD.

=))

And they decided to join me.

LMAO.

I'm getting crazy.

IKR.

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Wag lang sa bagong gising.

2009-08-27T19:55:00.006+08:00

I just woke up and Im effin pissed off.

A friend of mine posted something on my wall.

Something like this,"Kaya pala di ko nakikita yung boylet mo.. BLAHBLAHBLAH"

Nakakapikon e.

Nakakabwisit pa yung term na ginamit.

BOYLET.

Ni hindi ko nga trip yung lalakeng yun e.

At hindi din ako trip nung lalaking yun.

Pagpipilitan sayo isang tao e sinabi mo nang ayaw mo.

At sinabi mo nang TIGILAN paglilink samin dalawa.

OKAY kame as friends, saktong friends lang.

PERIOD.

Hindi nakakatuwa.

Hindi porke hindi ako nagagalit at dinadaan ko sa biro yung paninita ko, E DAPAT ULIT ULITIN.

Ilan beses ng pinagsabihan e kala palaging nakikipagbiruan e.

And DUH.

What will people think about me kung mabasa nila yon?

I just got out of a bad relationship.

Baka sabihin lumalandi agad ako.

Punyeta.

The fact that she knows that I still love him.

Kakapikon e.

Siya okay lang masabihan lumalandi.

Wala syang paki sa ibang tao e.

Kahit my boyfriend lumalandi.

Yan hirap sa mga taong liberated minsan akala nila katulad nila lahat ng tao open sa kung ano.

GRRRRR.

Di naman lalaki ang solusyon kung gusto nila ako makapagmove on.

Ano yan panakip butas?

FYI, inaaway ko nga yung lalaking yun dahil napipikon ako lagi kasi inaaway si P.

Okay given na good friend siya.

Pero it doesn't mean na he has the rights para magsabi ng whatsoever about P.

Kasi ako yung NASASAKTAN.

My effin ghad people.

STFU.

I'm just so fucking pissed off.

PUNYETA!

Buwan ng Wika.

2009-08-27T06:20:00.006+08:00

"Magandang umaga. Wala tayong pagkikita ngayon. Excused ang klase natin dahil sa pagdiriwang ng buwan ng wikang Filipino kung saan isa ako sa mga tagapangasiwa. May paseminar ngayon, nasa bulwagang rogge lamang ako ng ust graduate school. Salamat. Pakipasa sa iba."
I got a message at 6:05:01 am from my professor in Filipino. Funny noh? Hanggang text tagalog na tagalog nakakanosebleed. haha. Anyway, Nainis ako kasi late na kamusta naman classmates ko na from malayo na kanina pa umalis diba? Ayun, AKO'Y AALIS NA AT MAKIKIRAMAY SA AKING MGA KAKLASE NA NAROROON NA SA AMING ESKUWELAHAN.

LOL.

Leona Lewis

2009-08-27T04:32:00.004+08:00

Wala lang. Can relate e. lol.

"Why don’t you stay
Don’t walk away
I want you here
Why don’t you stay
Make it okay
Is this so wrong"

"Even though your love is gone
Even though it's said and done
You were still the only one
It's all for you
Even though you didn't stay
And I let you walk away
You're my one and only babe
It's all for you"

I'm BOARD.

2009-08-27T03:44:00.004+08:00

I'm damn BOARD.

Este bored pala.

May naalala nanaman ako.

*Sigh*

I won't be doing that much for the rest of the year.

That means I'll have a lot of time blogging nonsense.

It means para kong tangang makikipagusap sa sarili ko dito.

LOL.

BUMMER.

Sana makakuha na ko ng work.

If not, mababaliw ako dito sa depression.

WAAAAAAAH.

Word of the Day - Knitted Eraser - August 26, 2009

2009-08-27T02:29:00.014+08:00

Lol. It was last night actually.

A friend of mine messaged me last night and she was borrowing some swatches then I noticed her avatar.

I thought she vandalized one of the school tables.

Then she said it wasn't a vandal.

It was a knitted eraser.

She was bored with their professor so she shaped her name on it.

And she was kinda serious when she said that.

It cracked me up.

Knitted Eraser.

Just imagine how it would look like.

It was supposed to be KNEADED ERASER.

For sure, some of you are clueless what a kneaded eraser is.

The kneaded eraser (or kneaded rubber eraser) is also well-known. It is usually made of a grey or white pliable material that resembles putty or chewing gum. It functions by "absorbing" and "picking up" graphiteand charcoal particles. It does not wear away and leave behind eraser residue, thus it lasts much longer than other erasers. Kneaded erasers can be shaped with the fingers and used for precision erasing, to create highlights, or for detailing work. It is commonly used to remove light charcoal and light graphite marks in subtractive drawing techniques. However, it is not well-suited to completely erasing large areas, and may smear or stick if it becomes too warm. Though it does not wear away like other erasers, it can become exhausted, unable to absorb any more graphite or charcoal in which case it will start to smear and actually make marks instead of erasing them.

Source:http://reference.findtarget.com/search/kneaded%20eraser/

And that made my night.

HAHA.

Palpitate.

2009-08-27T00:25:00.003+08:00

My heart is palpitating.

I'm trembling and I'm feeling cold.

Today will be the first time I'll be meeting the whole class after dropping my thesis.

I don't know whether I can forfend myself from crying.

Depressing.

I won't graduate with them.

:((

Head over Feet

2009-08-26T16:44:00.004+08:00

My friend sent me a link. I missed her songs. :)

HEAD OVER FEET

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like i'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that i've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

sherwin_152001

2009-08-26T14:52:00.005+08:00

sherwin_152001: musta?

Jamie: not well.

sherwin_152001: may sakit ka?

Jamie: di ako ggrad.

sherwin_152001: huh?

sherwin_152001: di ka grad?

Jamie: hindi.

Jamie: nidrop ko na thesis ko.

sherwin_152001: aw

sherwin_152001: bakit?

Jamie: di ako makaconcentrate

Jamie: hindi maganda magthesis ng depress. lol.

sherwin_152001: aw!

sherwin_152001: amf adik ka

sherwin_152001: sayang kaya

Jamie: e ano gusto mo gawin ko.

Jamie: e sa super nadepress ako e.

sherwin_152001: ok ok

sherwin_152001: relak

sherwin_152001: sayang lng nmn un lng ang akin

Jamie: sa tingin mo ba ako hindi nanghihinayang?

Jamie: im halfway na. kaso i need to stop kc hindi na talaga ko makapagconcentrate

sherwin_152001: wala naman ako sinabing hinde ka nanhihinayang

Jamie: lol

sherwin_152001: ehehe

sherwin_152001: adik ka talaga

Jamie: di ako adik

sherwin_152001: lolz

sherwin_152001: ok

sherwin_152001: depressed lng

Jamie: andami kcng magaling na tao e

sherwin_152001: LOL

Jamie: o bat ka napaLOL?

sherwin_152001: natawa lng ako

Jamie: e bat ka natawa?

sherwin_152001: sabi mo kasi adming magaling na tao eh

Jamie: magaling, nagmamagaling. naninira.

sherwin_152001: ehehe

~ They knew why I've been depressed kaya wala nasabi. Kapal talaga. They still have the guts to ask how I'm doing. Grrrrr. Kung di lang ako mabaet. Haays :| I know it's my fault na nagpaapekto ako sa kanila pero what they did was sooo atrocious for me. Oo, I had my faults too pero it wouldnt be like this kung di sila umepal. Alam mo yung.. ETO NA YUN EH. I never felt this way before. ARGH. whatever. dahil sa kanila nawala xa. :(

Hindi porke tumatawa e MASAYA.

2009-08-26T05:31:00.001+08:00

*SIGH*

G's - August 25, 2009

2009-08-26T05:01:00.010+08:00

Chill.

Getting there.

DRUNK.

Hahaha

I did enjoy this day.

I get to scream like no one's there.

DRUNK eh.

I didn't give a fuck to anyone. :))

I was screaming his name.

Asking him na balikan ako.

Para naman maririnig nea dba?

Saktong baliw lang.

Ayun kakasigaw nahimasmasan ako.

HAHA.

Good thing di ako tulad ni Eean pag nalalasing.

Kundi Janna's dead. :))

Tara na kasi. Mag TAGAYTAY na tayo.

I wanna scream my lungs out.

It's just too soon.

2009-08-26T01:55:00.002+08:00

I've been keeping this for a while now.

Iniiwasan ko isipin.

Err.

His friend tagged a picture of him.

I can't remember kung kelan yung last na view ko sa profile nea.

Stalker much?

IKR.

I just wanna know if he's doing fine.

Basta.

Well, its a group pic.

Then I saw the comments.

FCUK.

He's already falling for someone else?

Ansakit e. :((

It's just too soon.

He doesn't know how much I reserved myself for him.

I don't even have plans to have a boyfriend or whatever this soon kung hindi rin xa.

I'm not being selfish pero sana hindi naman ganon kabilis.

May kapalit na agad ako?

It's super PAINFUL.

I don't know if there's a development with them or anything.

I don't wanna knooooooooow. :((

I don't wanna think about it but it keeps flashing back.

Achhh!!!

I know my friends are trying to help me move on.

Kulang na lang itulak ako sa lalake e.

Pero wala talaga

WALA!

Siya lang talaga.

Alam nila yun.

Para bang "You and me against the world"

Pero there's no YOU.

Me lang. :(

You still have me.

You still own my heart.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

kung alam mo lang.

I'm still here.

Hanging.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. :(

OUT.

2009-08-25T12:06:00.001+08:00

I'm off too school. lol.

Well not to school.

To Gorge's Spot haha.

And I'm gonna drink 'til I puke. :))

Redknucklehead

2009-08-25T08:15:00.000+08:00

I got some thoughts but can't compile 'em yet so I'm just putting this up. I'm a redhead. lol. I can't do anything with my hair. Somebody told me that I should grow it back that's why I can't afford to lose even an inch of it. :'(

Lol what's with the peace sign? haha

Behind every smiles or laughs, there's a tormenting pain.

2009-08-25T05:32:00.001+08:00

I've been good hiding my feelings.

Concealing the pain I'm experiencing.

People thought I'm alright because I'm smiling and laughing.

I don't wanna burden them with my problems.

I just answer them sarcastically like I'm not affected or something so they'd just shoo off the topic.

But deep inside I'm crying about the pain.

But now I'm having a very hard time hiding it.

It's so hard.

It's so hard to pretend that you're okay.

That you're strong.

My emotions are spilling out.

I remember what my professor told me, "I know you're strong. I can see that when you talk to them."

I wanna tell her, "I look tough but I'm really weak deep within. I just don't like being intimidated so I try to intimidate them instead."

(I've been bullied when I was little that's why I'm like this. I tend to intimidate people to conceal my weakness.)

She's asked me, "What happened? Di ka naman ganyan dati eh."

I didn't answer her.

She said, "Don't let anybody see you're weaknesses."

I've lowered my guard too much.

Then it's been an open target.

BANG!

I'm too tired.

I'm too tired pretending that I'm okay.

That I'm strong.

Behind every smiles or laughs, there's a tormenting pain.

Now, I can say that I belong to the class clowns.

Class clowns = People who never fails to break the ice when the class is bored. And they're also the ones who masks their anxiety and depression by clowning around.

WEAK.

2009-08-24T06:42:00.000+08:00

I've been struggling for this past month.

I wasn't able to control myself.

I've been so emotionally weak.

It affected a huge aspect of my life.

I've been depressed.

I can't focus on anything.

My studies has been affected.

God damn it.

I'm supposed to be on my last year but I really can't concentrate.

Depression + lack of concentration = BOOM

I got stuck.

So I decided to drop my THESIS.

It means I won't graduate this 2010.

It means I'll extend for another year.

It means I can't march with my classmates.

Will I be able to accept the chaotic depression these events would give me?

Can I endure it?

I can't help but blame myself for being weak.

Chances we're given but I didn't do anything.

I know.

I'm stupid.

I'm so sorry for the people who supported me.

Sorry.

I FAILED.

Heaven knows.

2009-08-24T01:10:00.003+08:00

This is the song that has been playing on my mind for a while now..

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)
Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?
(Repeat Chorus)
Heaven knows... heaven knows.

Ate, asan yung boyfriend mo? Si Kuya Cholo?

2009-08-24T01:01:00.000+08:00

I went out of the room to check my nieces. I was asked to babysit them cmon.

Tricia: "Umiyak ka ba?"

Lyka: "Onga ate umiyak ka ba? Bat ganyan mata mo?"

Me: "Di noh, ewan ko rin bakit ganon e.. pag kaligo ko ganyan na e.."

Lyka: "Ganon pala yun pag naligo" *sarcastic*

After a few hours..

My niece and I were lying down the mattress and suddenly she asked a question:

Tricia: "Ate, asan na yung boyfriend mo? si kuya cholo?"

Me: "Ahh.. wala na eh.."

Tricia: "Bakit?"

Me: " May mga bagay na hindi mo pa maiintindihan sa ngayon.."

Tricia: "Maiintindihan ko yun.. Okay lang naman kahit umiyak ka e.."

Me: "..."

Change topic. Iwas tanong.

Is it really that obvious? pati sila napapansin depression ko? :'(

IMY

2009-08-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

I miss him so much.

I can't stop reminiscin'.

The way he smiles..

The way he would kiss me..

The way he would look like a baby whenever he sleeps..

The way he teases me..

The way he dances and make me laugh so hard..

The way he would drive and scare me to death..

The way he holds my hand while he's driving..

The way he sings and make fun of a song..

The way he would sway his hair..

The way he would pinch my arms..

The way he gets mad whenever I tried to tickle him..

The way he would ask me if I'm hungry whenever he's the one who's hungry..

The way he would get mad whenever I'd stay awake 'til morning..

I miss him a lot..

Everything about him..

It's killing me..

It's tearing me apart..

The fact that he's not coming back anymore.. :((

I'm trying to keep moving forward..

But it's so hard..

Something is trying to pull me back..

Although there's nothing left for me to go back for..

Impossible

2009-08-12T03:57:00.001+08:00

It was just now that I decided to message him on his yahoo.

It was just now that I got the courage to do that after being traumatized.

I said, "I love you I'm so sorry. :(("

His reply was, "What is your problem? didnt i tell you not to bother me again?? stop messaging me."

The tears immediately pour down my face.

I was shaking.

It was painful enough for me that I wasn't able to reply.

I was still hopeful to save our friendship.

But its impossible now.

It's hard to accept that he didn't even fight for me.

I took all the blame even if I shouldn't.

But until now, I can't make myself to hate him.

I still love him so much.

Why is it so fucking hard to move on?

Questions

2009-08-09T17:34:00.000+08:00

There are Three fucking questions I can't answer truthfully right now.

1. How's your HEART?

2. Are you Okay?

3. How's your thesis?

I always get stupefied when these questions were asked.

BOOM.

LOVE CAN BE DANGEROUS AFTER ALL.

2009-08-09T00:46:00.000+08:00

It was that day when love messed up my life.

It was really painful.
The words left unsaid and the words thrown.

TRAUMATIC.

I was consecutively crying for the whole 2 hours starting 4 am. It was past 5 in the morning and I was so desperate to talk to someone and tell em what my problem was. I called Jackie purposely to wake her up (I'm her alarm clock) then I wasn't able to compose myself and started crying but she needed to say goodbye soon. So I called Janna. Janna was one of my best buds. She knows everything. I was crying to her, I was even asking her why that thing happened (like she knows the answer). I was crying like a baby.

Vicious thoughts.
I wanna kill myself.
I wanted to end everything up.

Then things suddenly got gloomy.
So I said goodbye to Janna.

Everything turned dark.
I was gasping for air.
Chills.
Palpitations.
Chest pains.
I've experienced another panic attack.
Thought I was going to die.
Thought my heartbeat's stopping.
Well, I was hoping.
Everything blacked out.
FAINTED.

My senses came up around 10 in the morning.
The words. The pain. The reality came back.
I started crying quietly again.
It's like I've been paralyzed.
I can't move, I just cried and stared at the ceiling.

My mom was calling me and knocking at my door.
I didn't answer.
They were checking on me every hour and still I didn't answer.
It was 4pm when my mom was forcefully knocking at my door.

I just said "O?" to stop her from worrying.
I heard my mom sighed with relief.
"She's still alive."

It was that day that I really wanted to die. Yes, I'm a suicidal freak. I just wanna die. I just wanted to get rid of the pain that's tearing me up. But this time its way too different. It was that day I wanted to end my life without worrying about anyone. Everyone's out of my system. Its just this time that I didn't worry about my mom, my cousins, my friends, EVERYONE. I was very determined to end it up. I thought of getting the kitchen knife and just slit my wrist and bleed to death. Thanks God (should I really thank him?) that I fainted. What happened made a big impact on me. The most traumatic. The most painful.

the verdict?

LOVE CAN BE DANGEROUS AFTER ALL.

Finally

2009-08-08T16:46:00.000+08:00

I've been depressed for a month now. Why?

Same old shit. Heart problems.

I've given everything.

I accepted everything about him.

His attitude was the hardest part for me to accept.

Narrow-minded.

Immature.

But still I tried hard to understand him.

Very hard.

I love him so much.

I've been deaf, blind and mute for him.

Deaf?

I've covered up my ears to those who tried to traduce him.

Blind?

I've covered up my eyes to the truth that was so painful to accept.

Mute?

I've covered up my mouth for the painful words that wanted to get out whenever I get hurt.

There's a lot of my emotional pains he didn't get to hear about.

Well, I don't blame him.

I did that out of love.

No one's perfect.

I've been faulty too.

He's the one I wanted to spend my life with.

He's the only one I've imagined to be my husband.

But now he's gone.

He left me.

And went off with his EGO.

The fact that he never listened to me was the most painful, the most excruciating.

'til our last moment, he didn't listen, he didn't consider any explanations from me.

I can't even get mad at him.

I love him so much :(

Now I'm so fucked up.

I'm so depressed.

But I still wanna hang on and run after him.

I know I shouldn't.

But it's too hard.

I love him so much.

I'll try to go on with my life.

But I won't close my door if he wanted me back but I'm not keeping my hopes up.

I know time would heal the pain.

It's just really hard to move on.

Even if its hard, I'm moving on.