Boxing

Nakakainit ng ulo.
Walang magawa.
Dati tuwang tuwa pa ko ng walang ginagawa.
Ngayon im so booooored.
Well, not really bored.
I wanna go boxing.
Its like a vice.
A good vice.
May ganun ba good vice? lol
Sige sabihin na lang natin addiction.
Hindi ko na kayang hindi magboxing.
And its making me freak out!
Its like pag hindi ako nagboxing tataba agad ako.
Nakakapraning.
Nagiging health conscious na ko.
Charing.
Nagiinit ulo ko.
Boxing is one of the reasons I got to go out of here.
Haaaaay.
Whatevs.
:|

Christmas

Christmas na Christmas umiiyak ako.

What's wrong with me?

Memories.

Naalala ko lang plans ko for christmas nung kami pa.

Yayayain ko dapat sya mag-Christmas with my family.

If ever matuloy umalis yung family nya at maiwan sya dito sa Phil.

And he didn't know about it.

Everything is ruined bago pa mag-Christmas.

Though di natuloy yung pag alis ng family nya.

Shitty memories.

Kaya bitter ako sa pasko.

:(

I never told anyone that it still haunts me.

Whatever “It” is about. I never told anyone that I dream about that “event” until now and wake up crying. Yes, you’re way over it. But I already told you before don’t kid about it.

Maybe, you forgot.

It kills me every time I dream about it. Its pulling me back down. I regretted letting my emotions took over me without thinking. I regretted letting those words out of my mouth. It was my biggest mistake. My biggest regret.

Now, I’m back to step 1 again.

Depression would really kill me.

Last night

I kinda got drunk last night with my classmates. Then my college friends fetch me to go to the condo, just a few steps away from where were drinking. Then one of them asked me, “How’s [insert name here]?” I can’t remember what they exactly asked.

To give you a background or do I still need to? It’s so obvious with my reblogs or posts. I’m having a hard time letting go of my ex. It’s been months (Before you judge me, Yes its just months but you have no idea what I went through those months) and my feelings are still intense and inexpugnable. And the other chapters are unexplainable. lol.

I told them what happened then the next thing I knew I was crying. They were hugging me and all. Telling me that everything will be okay. I appreciate how much they care for me but I still feel incomplete without him.

I can’t stay late so drink beer even if its just noon or something.

Suddenly my mom texted me, “We’ll fetch you at the uni by 7.” I looked at my watch and it was 6:53pm. I was like OMFG. So I said goodbye to my friends. And asked the “lovers” to help me cross the road. Yeah, I’m a dork I can’t cross the streets without anyone with me. When we got to the condo facade, It was raining so hard and we have no umbrella! So I asked them to stay and just let me go on my own. They were trying to convince me to let my mom fetch me at the condo but I just can’t.

I wanted to walk in the rain so I can cry without anyone noticing. Yes, you can call me EMO. I don’t care. The pain feels so intense that time. So I started walking and crying. It was raining really really hard. To my surprise, my guy friend followed me because they were worried that I can’t cross the road (or I might do something stupid like getting myself hit by a car or whatever). While waiting for my mom at the uni, he gave me advices. Explaining [insert name here]’s side and what an asshole he is and that I should help myself to move on.

I frankly told my friend that I just got pissed that day [insert name here] told me that he already have a girl and blahblah but I’m not angry with him. I just can’t. I’m just hurt. I’m just in soooo much pain. I just love him so much that I can’t even get angry with him no matter how much pain he inflicts me.

I love you guys. Thank you for always being there.

Now, I’m sick. Thanks to the rain. lol

I will wait

I will wait. Though I can’t wait to spend every single day with you, to call you babe or honey or psst, and share my life with you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to kiss you goodnight, argue with you about relationship stuff, or cook for you, I will wait. Though I can’t wait to be your girl, to hold you in my arms, to hold your coffee while you drive, or to just cuddle you all day, I will wait. I will patiently wait for the right time, with nothing to hold on to, but the mere thought that all this waiting is the only way to keep you forever.

I want you to need me.

I'm so sorry if it looks like I don't care. I'm just protecting myself from pain. The pain of the dreadful truth I might hear from you. I'm just protecting you from being guilty upon inflicting me pain through the words that you might say. I'm trying to show you I'm already okay though I'm really not. I don't want you to stay just because you feel guilty or sorry about me. I want you to stay because you need me. I want you to stay because you can't live without me.

I want you to need me.

I love you.

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. But they didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Because love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you and leaves you crying in the darkness when a simple phrse like "Maybe we should be just friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It hurts in the soul, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that, especially not love. I hate love.

-Neil Galman

SUICIDE.

It's hard to be friends with someone you still love.

With someone you're not yet over with.

Then you'd see him/her with someone else.

It's like pushing yourself to death.

SUICIDE.

Songs

There are still a lot of songs that I wanted to sing for you.

But there's no more chance.

There will never be another chance.

Because you already got her to sing for you

Study. Study.

I have 36 pages of handouts to study for my finals tomorrow. and I haven't read yet. ARGH. :|

Why did I let it happen?

I've been crying for days since it happened.

Bumaba tingin ko sa sarili ko after mangyari yon.

I keep on asking myself why did I let it happen.

Hindi naman kasi ako ganon.

Nasaktan ako sa sinabi mo nun pero sige pa rin ako.

Natatakot na rin ako na baka isipin mo na ganon ako.

HINDI AKO GANON! SAYO LANG!

Oo, sige gusto ko rin yung nangyari partly, pero mas nananaig yung takot ko mawala ka sakin pag hindi ko ginawa yun. (I know it's stupid.)

Alam mo yun ansakit para sakin na puro IKAW at IKAW lang iniintindi ko.

Yung tipong kahit galit ako or naiinis ako, ikaw pa rin iintindihin ko.

Ang hirap magworry sa taong hindi naman nagwo-worry ng katulad sayo.

Hindi ko alam. Ewan.

After nun, I felt so wrong.

You became cold.

WRONG MOVE.

I dunno what to think.

Nagtatalo pa rin yung isip ko:

Whether iba ka sa mga typical na lalake o katulad ka rin nila.

You know what I mean.

Super confused ako.

Iba naman kasi pagkakakilala ko sayo e.

I dunno what to think.

FCK.

I just feel so wrong right now.

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita.

Hindi ko alam.

Hindi kita magets.

Hindi ko alam kung ano gusto mangyare.

Iba yung sinasabi mo sa kinikilos mo.

Hindi ko na alam.

Nasasaktan nanaman ako.

Alam ko naman alam mo yun.

:(

Hindi ko na ata kilala sarili ko.

Hindi ko na ata kilala sarili ko.

Hindi naman ako ganito dati.

Nag-aaral.

Matiyaga.

Mahilig magbasa.

Walang tres.

Occasional uminom.

Ngayon.

Tamad mag-aral.

Pabaya.

Tamad magbasa.

Puro inom.

May FA ako.

WTF.

I wanna go somewhere far.

I wanna disappear.

I wanna die.

You're still the one.

I saw “FOREVER” the moment I’ve look into your eyes.

The moment we held hands.

The moment our lips touched.

But shit happens.

After all the hurtful words thrown, the tearful nights and the pain I’ve been through, you’re still the one who owns my heart.

You’re still the one.

I still see you as the one who would kiss me when the priest says, “You may kiss the bride.”

I still see you as the one who would hold my hand while I’m giving birth.

I still see you as the one who would be nervously holding my first born baby.

I still see you as the one whom I’d hold hands with when I’m old.

I still see you as the one who would cry when I die.

You’re still the one I believe in.

Gushes of emotions.

~Saw this site.. Tagos e. super tagos. :|

I ruined my own day.. argh..

Anyone could tell me to just give up and move on and I wouldn't, but they don't understand... they don't know him and they dont know what it's like to want him so much. -Jenna B.

I never thought I'd risk the chance of getting hurt again, but for some reason when I'm with you, it all seems worth it.

So I guess I have some guys that would like a chance with me, but why do I say no, why do I not give them a chance, oh yeah because every time I even think of someone else, my thoughts are interrupted by thoughts of you.

I am just wondering, does it hurt you to know that everytime I see you I feel like crying? That when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain away.

You're allowed to break the rules when you want someone bad enough. My friends tell me to let go. They don't think he's right for me. Well, I need him so I'm going to keep holding on tight until he realizes that he needs me too

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can't because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

The higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down.

How could I have been so blind and not seen that you only wanted to be friends? Oh yes, I know why. Because you acted as if we were more than friends. You built me up only to let me fall, and not help me back up again, and here I am on the ground, crying over what could have been.

You’ll never know how much I miss you. You won't See it on my face, you’ll never know I'll never find another man to take your place. Because I'll be smiling when I see you. No my tears will never show. Yes I will always love you...but you will never know.

I wouldn't change the past for anything. I wouldn't change the way I felt, the things I did, and what I said. I wouldn't change who I was, and what you meant to me. The only thing I would change was how you felt back.

I've accepted the fact that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise... no matter how long its been.

And even though I know he's a jerk and I know all that he'll do is hurt me, I still love him. I still want him. And I hate myself for it. - Michelle Burns

Just once I want to be hard to leave. I want someone to stay up all night thinking about me.

I can believe that maybe now we aren't meant to be, and a little later on we will be, only because it is impossible for me to believe that I could have these kinds of feelings after so long for someone that wasn't supposed to be in my life forever.

I never thought I'd risk the chance of getting hurt again, but for some reason when I'm with you, it all seems worth it.

I want to cry, really I do but I guess I just dont want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you hurt me... once again. -Allison Mosher

Sometimes I feel there's a hole inside of me; An emptiness that at times seems to burn…I have this dream of being whole. Not going to bed each night wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me and I want to be seen. -Practical Magic

I wonder, when you look into my eyes and watch my heart shatter, does it break your heart too, even crack it a little?

When a girl complains that a guy has no heart, it usually means he has hers.

Isn't it amazing how someone can break your heart, yet you still love them with every broken piece of it?

She wanted to move on, but how could she do that and still stay by your side? Because to be your friend part of herself she'll have to hide.

It's almost three a.m. and I should be asleep but instead I lie awake in my room my head still hurts from the night before last, my only solace is thinking of you, let me dream, give me peace, let me fall fast asleep, cause I swear there will be time for you tomorrow. -Diesel Boy

I just wanna call him up and be like "take it or leave it" but I'm afraid to because I have a feeling he'll leave it, because he doesn't need me as much as I need him.

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should, but I can't.

Don't be fooled by her pretty smile, inside she's breaking, she's so fragile.

source: http://www.holliesquotes.com/

Hard enough

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what I wanna see. My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me."

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

-Eeyore

Things were simple when were still kids

"Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist. When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. When the only movies you could see were rated G. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change...and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day. You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter. When everyone alwayslives happily ever after."

Teardrops

"Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by. I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate? To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

-from Yesterday/Today lyrics

You shouldn't have trust me so much.

“I know God wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”

Isn't me.

“Behind my smile is a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am…Is not me.”

Jmie.

JAMIE.

Yeah, that's my name.

It was almost 2 months ago that I changed my name on facebook.

I made it JMIE.

Without the A.

Only 2 persons noticed that "A" was missing.

Somebody asked me why there's a missing letter on my name.

I haven't disclose the reason to them yet.

I was so shy to tell them truth so I just tell them "For a change."

It was really cheesy.

I was afraid that they'd laugh about it.

It was also 2 months ago that I lost the love of my life.

Even if we've been together for just a short period of time,

He's been the love of my life.

I never felt that way before.

I never felt that happy.

I never loved like this before.

I never longed for someone like this before.

He's the man that I've been dreaming to be the father of my kids.

The man that I wanted to grow old with.

But he's gone with the wind.

It was like losing a part of me.

The important part of me.

I've been a broken glass.

It's impossible not to lose something when it's broken.

It will be hard to rebuild the broken pieces back together without being cut.

Okay, I'm way over the topic.

Jmie.

It symbolizes my "grief."

I lost him.

I lost a part me.

I feel so incomplete.

It's like he brought with him my "A" when he left.

I dunno when I'll be complete again.

I hope I'll have the strength to hold on to my life.

I hope I'll be able to endure the pain.

Before it gets too late.

IKR.

I'm so baduy.

But this is the truth.

This is how I feel right now.

LOL.

KILL ME.

It's so fucking painful.

I can't take it.

KILL ME.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

:'(

"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories."

My mood for today. Lost for words again. Argh.

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

-John Greenleaf Whittier

It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how noble! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent.
-Hannah Arendt

Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.
-Malcolm X

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
-W. M. Lewis

I wanted to die, then. I wanted to destroy the body I was trapped in, become what she was, no matter what it took. No matter how much mutilation or pain. But he looked away, at me. He pulled my face down and pressed my lips against his like he was almost trying to suffocate us both.
-"The Rose and the Beast: Fairyales Retold" by Francesca Lia Block

We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm.
-"The Virgin Suicides" by Jeffrey Eugenides

If they tell you that she died of sleeping pills you must know that she died of a wasting grief, of a slow bleeding at the soul.
-Clifford Odets

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
-Phil Donahue

Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live.
-Charles Caleb Colton

To make yourself something less than you can be - that too is a form of suicide.
-Benjamin Lichtenberg

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice... that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.
-Arthur Schopenhauer

source: http://www.poemofquotes.com/

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.""

-Bill Maher

source: http://www.thinkexist.com/

"Depression is not sobbing and crying and giving vent, it is plain and simple reduction of feeling...People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile."
-Judith Guest

"I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories."
-Conor Oberst

"Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

source: http://www.allgreatquotes.com/

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
-Charlie brown

"The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else."

-Arnold Bennett

Source: http://www.worldofquotes.com/

Alone.

Let's face the truth.

No matter how hard you try to be lucid about the pain you're feeling,

No one would clearly understand how much pain you're going through.

No one would clearly understand how you're struggling.

Sometimes tears wouldn't be enough to explain how painful it is.

Even if they put theirselves on your shoe,

They wouldn't feel the same impact.

It's just you.

ALONE.

:'(

Love is the distance between reality and pain.

Depression is killing me. :'(

No matter how hard I try to smile, to laugh or to look okay.

It's still showing.

Can't hide it.

Can't gather up my thoughts again.

Another compilation of quotations.

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.
-- Unknown.

You'll know that you miss someone very much when everytime you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick hello from that person can bring the broken pieces back.
-- Unknown.

The greatest pain that comes from love is loving someone you can never have.
-- Unknown.

Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering.
-- FH.

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly.
-- Christian Nevell Bovee.

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
-- Robert Burton.

It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
-- Unknown.

We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love.
-- Sigmund Freud.

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
-- The Borg.

It was never love that broke her heart
It was losing his sympathy that tore her apart.
-- FH.

A sad soul can kill you quicker than a germ.
-- John Steinbeck.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.
-- Unknown.

To lose your LOVE is to have a thousand lives and have them all end at once!
-- Unknown.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
-- Murphy's Law of Loving.

Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death.
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau.

It's not that the heart grows cold. No, it burns to ash, and the ash grows cold.
-- Joel Welling.

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.
-- Rosa Parks.

You never really know how lucky you are to have someone, until they are gone and you are left with nothing but memories.
-- Unknown.

To perceive is to suffer.
-- Aristotle.

Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.
-- Stephen King.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
-- Helen Keller.

Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison.
-- Lord Chesterfield.

We cannot learn without pain.
-- Aristotle.

Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you.
-- Perry Farrell.

The essence of romantic love is that wonderful beginning, after which sadness and impossibility may become the rule.
-- Anita Brookner.

Pain is a more terrible lord of mankind than even death itself.
-- Albert Schweitzer.

People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
-- J. F. Newton.

I never felt true happiness till I met you, but I never felt true sadness till you left me.
-- Unknown.

There is only one prospect worse than being chained to an intolerable existence: The nightmare of a botched attempt to end it.
-- Arthur Koestler.

Life is like an onion. You peel it off layer by layer and sometimes you cry.
-- Unknown.

Sometimes I wish I were a kid again; skinned knees are a lot easier to fix than a broken heart.
-- Unknown.

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-- Carl Jung.

Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter.
-- Bertolt Brecht.

There are hurts so deep that one cannot reach them or heal them with words.
-- Kate Seredy.

Love is like a butterfly, hold it too tight, it'll crush, hold it too loose, it'll fly.
-- Unknown.

Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence.
-- Goncourt.

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.
-- Albert Smith.

It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.
-- Julius Caesar.

Love is the distance between reality and pain.
-- Robyn Hitchcock.

People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream -- what they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
-- Xander Harris.

Life is much like writing in ink : All you can do is read over your past and look forward to a blank page for your future that will soon be filled with words that can never be erased.
-- Gabe Suico.

He who cries the loudest shows the most pain
He who keeps it all inside dies in vain.
-- Blake Baxter.

The tragedy of it is that nobody sees the look of desperation on my face. Thousands and thousands of us, and we're passing one another without a look of recognition.
-- Henry Miller.

The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart: his words were softer than oil, yet were they drawn swords.
-- Psalms 55:21.

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
-- Bess Myerson.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Isaac Asimov.

Sometimes it hurts more then we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.
-- Unknown.

Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter.
-- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
-- Henry David Thoreau.

The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.
-- Helen Hayes.

It takes two to speak the truth... one to speak and another to hear.
-- Henry David Thoreau.

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-- Unknown.

Source: http://www.farid-hajji.net/quotes/sadness.html

Until I wake up by Dishwalla

I was browsing Dishwalla's songs and found this.

Reminds me of my blog.

Until I wake up

I rest my head
Between the bed and sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind
Make it dry

Nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
Don`t want to wake up

Into clear space
Vivid vision
See her shape
At my bedside
Beam up my mind please

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
I don`t want to wake up
Ooh, Oooooooh, Oooooooh

Nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up

There`s nothing in motion, and I`m satisfied
No disappointment, until I wake up
I don`t want to wake up, no
I don`t want to wake up, no
Ooh, Ooh

I don`t want to wake up, no