How are you?

I've been wondering for a while now.

How are you?

Was he still thinking of me?

Even for just a second.

Was he even thinking how I was?

Bet not.

With all his anger.

IDTS.

Tsssss.

I stopped viewing his profile after seeing that damn tagged picture of him.

It's like preventing myself from commiting suicide.

I hope he's okay.

I hope THEY are okay.

When will I get to ask him how he was without palpitating or crying?

Or will I even get to talk to him?

Will that time even come?

I miss him a lot.

:'(

Team Bangag.

Additional Pictures of Team Bangag.

From Charlette's Cam.

More to come pa ata. lol.

Sana naman maging legal na ko uminom diba?

HAHA.

Para naman makasabay ako kahit gang 9pm lang sa inyo!

Dapat complete attendance na sa susunod =))

Guys kelan ulit to mauulit?

Soooooooon Puhleaseeee.

Naligo sa ulan. haha.

Girls?

May tama na si Eean.

Haha

Sabi senyo e me tama na. =)) tumatayo na e haha

Ayan sinong wasted? =))

Literal na Rain Dance. LOL.

Cheers madam! :D

Drinking Dilemma

I was drunk nanaman yesterday.

Pero not much unlike nung 28.

Basag kung basag.

Madaliin ko ba naman uminom e.

When will this dilemma stop?

I can't stop drinking e.

Nauubos pera ko kakainom.

:|

Goodnight Pusa.

August 28, 2009

Nawalan kasi ko internet connection that night.

So nisave ko muna sa word. lol.

As I was browsing my folders, I saw this.

I know I’m weird.

Weird enough that I have this pictures.

I just wanna remember how happy I am that time.

How this simple doodle made my day when I woke up and read it.

How happy I am when he admitted that he likes me.

I miss the good times.

I just wanna treasure the memories.

Hirap kasi I value too much.

Kahit maliliit na bagay.

Ayan tuloy even yung maliliit na bagay sobrang sakit binibigay.

I just wanna feel the same way I felt at that moment pag nakita ko ulit to.

Kaso hindi e.

Vice versa e.

PAIN.

REGRETS.

Nakakahinayang e. Wala na.

BATIBOT.

August 28, 2009

At around 12:45 pm I went to LTO to renew my license.

Then went straight to G's.

G's. G's Spot. Gorge's Spot. Inuman.

I was going to meet my friend JR Serevo a.k.a Batibot. LOL

He was a graduate from UST (years ago. lol)

And a former guidance counselor of sienna or st. scho ata

Batibot was his nickname.

Kasi nung nagmeet kame 2 years ago sabi nea nasa batibot daw xa.

E I didn't know na Batibot was a tree.

Lol.

So after that yun na tinawag ko sa kanya.

Tas pinakilala ko sya kay Janna and Eean that time kasi puro problemado kame lahat.

HAHA

so ayun.

1 year ko ata siyang hindi nakita.

INUMAN.

So dun na lang kame sa happy place namin ng mga Educ Babes.

Para mameet nya rin other friends namin nila Eean and Janna.

Si Tri, Danna, Madam, Lyka and Janna pa lang andun.

Nung dumating si Eean, si Lyka and Janna umuwi na.

So Tri and I started drinking.

RH 500ml.

Around 3:30 na ata nakarating si Batibs.

Jomar, Charlette & Julius were there na rin.

Almost 3 bottles na ata naiinom ko nun.

(Mahina po ako uminom and mabilis tamaan)

Hinabol ako ni Eean papunta espanya magpapakamatay na ko.

E di ako makalagpas so I went the other way.

Tas inaway away ako ni Eean.

I was crying na e.

Tas pinuntahan kame ni BATIBS.

Ayun.

SINAMPAL AKO.

tangina anlakas.

Ngayon lang ata ulit ako nasaktan ng physical.

Ayun I started crying so hard.

Haha so we went back to G's.

Nagheart to heart talk kame ni Batibs.

I got all the comfort I needed that time.

Natauhan ako e. amp.

Sakit nung sampal.

HAYOP! haha!

Thanks Batibs kahit nakarami ka sken nung gabi. Sampal. Hampas sa noo.

GAGANTI AKO.

LOL.

After that happy happy na kame lahat.

I was drunk.

Well we all are.

Tawanan and all.

Basta marami pa.

Basta MASAYA.

What happened in G's stays in G's.

Diba friends! :))

Funneyyy. Nahuli pa ko ng mommy ko umiinom. At nakita nyang andun kame.

Napagalitan ako pero it didn't ruin my night.

HAHAHA!

One of the best drinking days that ever happened :D

MORE MORE!

YOU ARE THE MAN BATIBS :)

I'm gonna effin miss you ulit dude.

*Thanks batibs kahit sinusumbat mo pa sken na dumayo ka sa ust from nova. LOL*

Nangangalawang na memory ko may mga spots na hindi ko na maalala. ampepe.

Madam and Jomar

Tri and Danna

Eean and Batibot

FUCK YOU ka rin batibs. =))

Batibot and Me

Batibot and Me.

Jomar and Gen

Akalain mo yun? 1 bottle pa lang naiinom nea e anong oras na. Haha.

Ang kalat dba?

Yung shades na suot ni eean me sala neto! haha

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me naalala ko. I was wearing the same polo when I went to LP.

I was hoping na P would remember whatever memory meron dun sa polo na yun.

Baka mag soften up.

Kaso hindi e.

Nalait pa ko.

LOL

Oh well.

We think differently. :D

ANSAYA! im effin drunkkk

I'm so effin drunkkk.

I'm so effin pissed off.

I'm so effin happyyy.

hahaha weird nohg?

nasampal pa ko kanina..

tas sumakit noo ko ke batibott

lagi ako hinahampas..

pota..

pero ok alng dude im so effin happy!!

pota. =))

basta ansaya ng ngyre sa inuman tangnena!! haha

aylab my friends!!

aylab batibs! hahah

im just pissed off nwala ung files ng inumanbn pota! nabasa kc ung phone ko.. nalunod sa tubig ng di ko napapansin haha putaaa

Putangina.

PUTANGINA.

PUTANGINA.

PUTANGINA.

PUTANGINA.

ambilis.

tangina.

ansaket.

ansaket saket!

How I wish you knew

I miss you a lot.

How I wish you knew

How much I wanted

To taste your lips,

To hear your voice,

To feel your embrace,

To lock my fingers with yours,

And to feel your love once more.

Random Facts.

I've grabbed this note from my friend.

As usual, kibit balikat na lang ako :)

1. “Ang mag-assume, TALO (kahit 2% pa yan).”

2. “Kung ayaw may DAHILAN, kung gusto may PARAAN.”

3. “BACK OFF (as in back off) sa mga IN A RELATIONSHIP, kahit saan anggulo mo tingnan, ikaw pa rin ang mali.”

4. “Maniwala sa IT’S COMPLICATED na status. Hindi lang chenes yan.”

5. “Learn to LET GO kung alam mong wala na talaga.”

6. “Keep your DIGNITY.”

7. “If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.”

8. “Ang QT (quality time), at least 5 hours lang per week.”

9. “Hindi dahilan ang TIME.”

10. “Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Kadalasan tama ito mga girls.”

11. “If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. At some case this is applicable.”

12. “Hindi balakid kung magkaiba ang RELIGION niyong dalawa.”

13. “Kung kayang i-workout, i-WORKOUT!”. Kalokohan ang reason na “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME.”

14. “All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending… compromise is a two way street.”

15. “Learn to forgive para magkaroon ka ng peace of mind.”

16. “Some can forgive but can’t forget.”

17. “OPEN COMMUNICATION, TRUST AND HONESTY are the most important ingredients in a relationship.”

18. “You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship pag hindi kasi, it can affect or even ruin your relationship.”

19. “Always have your own set of friends separate from his para may iba kang channels that is without him.”

20. “Make him miss you sometimes. when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him, he takes it for granted.”

21. “You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary. not supplementary.”

22. “There’s NO SUCH THING as COOL OFF/GRAY AREA. Kung white, white! Kung black, black! Walang GRAY AREA.”

23. “There’s a possibility that a person can get attracted to another. It’s human nature. It’s not wrong. But that is why you’re in a commitment, you discipline yourself. One may get attracted to numerous prospects and its ok. As long as, you don’t nurse the feeling and do something about it. Borderline between cheating and faithfulness. Recognize reality that you already have the person that can give you more than what you get for the cheap thrill of attraction.”

24. “If you felt it, then it was true. Getting hurt doesn’t always mean you suffered, it also means you loved sincerely. Don’t frown because it’s over. SMILE BECAUSE IT HAPPENED.”

25. “Everything will fall into place.”

26. A man won’t let go if he really loves you. Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you. Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is another reason he is not willing to tell.

27. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship. There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

28. There is a guy who will value you. There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don’t lose hope.

29. Do not believe him when he says it’s just the way he really is. He’s not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

30. He must respect you. No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you. (respects includes not cheating on you in front of his friends who knows you and common friends included)

31. If he fooled you, end it. Philandering once is enough. You can never trust nor respect the person again.

32. Never start a relationship the wrong way. Do not steal another girl’s man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

33. Don’t be afraid to be single. It’s fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

34. You will get over him. Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

35. Be the one. Act like you are the one. Don’t be a nagger. Don’t hinder his gimmicks. Don’t give in to him too easily. Make him treat you as important. Don’t be easy. Don’t be like every other girl he had in his life.

DEAD

I was bored.

I got no class from 7:00 to 12:00noon.

Stapling prelim papers of the 1st years took much of my time earlier.

At 11am I got so effin sleepy so decided to trip around.

I asked my classmate to take a picture of me lying on the floor.

DEAD.

=))

And they decided to join me.

LMAO.

I'm getting crazy.

IKR.

Magbiro ka na sa lasing, Wag lang sa bagong gising.

I just woke up and Im effin pissed off.

A friend of mine posted something on my wall.

Something like this,"Kaya pala di ko nakikita yung boylet mo.. BLAHBLAHBLAH"

Nakakapikon e.

Nakakabwisit pa yung term na ginamit.

BOYLET.

Ni hindi ko nga trip yung lalakeng yun e.

At hindi din ako trip nung lalaking yun.

Pagpipilitan sayo isang tao e sinabi mo nang ayaw mo.

At sinabi mo nang TIGILAN paglilink samin dalawa.

OKAY kame as friends, saktong friends lang.

PERIOD.

Hindi nakakatuwa.

Hindi porke hindi ako nagagalit at dinadaan ko sa biro yung paninita ko, E DAPAT ULIT ULITIN.

Ilan beses ng pinagsabihan e kala palaging nakikipagbiruan e.

And DUH.

What will people think about me kung mabasa nila yon?

I just got out of a bad relationship.

Baka sabihin lumalandi agad ako.

Punyeta.

The fact that she knows that I still love him.

Kakapikon e.

Siya okay lang masabihan lumalandi.

Wala syang paki sa ibang tao e.

Kahit my boyfriend lumalandi.

Yan hirap sa mga taong liberated minsan akala nila katulad nila lahat ng tao open sa kung ano.

GRRRRR.

Di naman lalaki ang solusyon kung gusto nila ako makapagmove on.

Ano yan panakip butas?

FYI, inaaway ko nga yung lalaking yun dahil napipikon ako lagi kasi inaaway si P.

Okay given na good friend siya.

Pero it doesn't mean na he has the rights para magsabi ng whatsoever about P.

Kasi ako yung NASASAKTAN.

My effin ghad people.

STFU.

I'm just so fucking pissed off.

PUNYETA!

Buwan ng Wika.

"Magandang umaga. Wala tayong pagkikita ngayon. Excused ang klase natin dahil sa pagdiriwang ng buwan ng wikang Filipino kung saan isa ako sa mga tagapangasiwa. May paseminar ngayon, nasa bulwagang rogge lamang ako ng ust graduate school. Salamat. Pakipasa sa iba."

I got a message at 6:05:01 am from my professor in Filipino. Funny noh? Hanggang text tagalog na tagalog nakakanosebleed. haha. Anyway, Nainis ako kasi late na kamusta naman classmates ko na from malayo na kanina pa umalis diba? Ayun, AKO'Y AALIS NA AT MAKIKIRAMAY SA AKING MGA KAKLASE NA NAROROON NA SA AMING ESKUWELAHAN.

LOL.

Leona Lewis

Wala lang. Can relate e. lol.

"Why don’t you stay
Don’t walk away
I want you here
Why don’t you stay
Make it okay
Is this so wrong"

"Even though your love is gone
Even though it's said and done
You were still the only one
It's all for you
Even though you didn't stay
And I let you walk away
You're my one and only babe
It's all for you"

I'm BOARD.

I'm damn BOARD.

Este bored pala.

May naalala nanaman ako.

*Sigh*

I won't be doing that much for the rest of the year.

That means I'll have a lot of time blogging nonsense.

It means para kong tangang makikipagusap sa sarili ko dito.

LOL.

BUMMER.

Sana makakuha na ko ng work.

If not, mababaliw ako dito sa depression.

WAAAAAAAH.

Word of the Day - Knitted Eraser - August 26, 2009

Lol. It was last night actually.

A friend of mine messaged me last night and she was borrowing some swatches then I noticed her avatar.

I thought she vandalized one of the school tables.

Then she said it wasn't a vandal.

It was a knitted eraser.

She was bored with their professor so she shaped her name on it.

And she was kinda serious when she said that.

It cracked me up.

Knitted Eraser.

Just imagine how it would look like.

It was supposed to be KNEADED ERASER.

For sure, some of you are clueless what a kneaded eraser is.

The kneaded eraser (or kneaded rubber eraser) is also well-known. It is usually made of a grey or white pliable material that resembles putty or chewing gum. It functions by "absorbing" and "picking up" graphiteand charcoal particles. It does not wear away and leave behind eraser residue, thus it lasts much longer than other erasers. Kneaded erasers can be shaped with the fingers and used for precision erasing, to create highlights, or for detailing work. It is commonly used to remove light charcoal and light graphite marks in subtractive drawing techniques. However, it is not well-suited to completely erasing large areas, and may smear or stick if it becomes too warm. Though it does not wear away like other erasers, it can become exhausted, unable to absorb any more graphite or charcoal in which case it will start to smear and actually make marks instead of erasing them.

Source:http://reference.findtarget.com/search/kneaded%20eraser/

And that made my night.

HAHA.

Palpitate.

My heart is palpitating.

I'm trembling and I'm feeling cold.

Today will be the first time I'll be meeting the whole class after dropping my thesis.

I don't know whether I can forfend myself from crying.

Depressing.

I won't graduate with them.

:((

Head over Feet

My friend sent me a link. I missed her songs. :)

HEAD OVER FEET

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like i'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that i've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

sherwin_152001

sherwin_152001: musta?

Jamie: not well.

sherwin_152001: may sakit ka?

Jamie: di ako ggrad.

sherwin_152001: huh?

sherwin_152001: di ka grad?

Jamie: hindi.

Jamie: nidrop ko na thesis ko.

sherwin_152001: aw

sherwin_152001: bakit?

Jamie: di ako makaconcentrate

Jamie: hindi maganda magthesis ng depress. lol.

sherwin_152001: aw!

sherwin_152001: amf adik ka

sherwin_152001: sayang kaya

Jamie: e ano gusto mo gawin ko.

Jamie: e sa super nadepress ako e.

sherwin_152001: ok ok

sherwin_152001: relak

sherwin_152001: sayang lng nmn un lng ang akin

Jamie: sa tingin mo ba ako hindi nanghihinayang?

Jamie: im halfway na. kaso i need to stop kc hindi na talaga ko makapagconcentrate

sherwin_152001: wala naman ako sinabing hinde ka nanhihinayang

Jamie: lol

sherwin_152001: ehehe

sherwin_152001: adik ka talaga

Jamie: di ako adik

sherwin_152001: lolz

sherwin_152001: ok

sherwin_152001: depressed lng

Jamie: andami kcng magaling na tao e

sherwin_152001: LOL

Jamie: o bat ka napaLOL?

sherwin_152001: natawa lng ako

Jamie: e bat ka natawa?

sherwin_152001: sabi mo kasi adming magaling na tao eh

Jamie: magaling, nagmamagaling. naninira.

sherwin_152001: ehehe

~ They knew why I've been depressed kaya wala nasabi. Kapal talaga. They still have the guts to ask how I'm doing. Grrrrr. Kung di lang ako mabaet. Haays :| I know it's my fault na nagpaapekto ako sa kanila pero what they did was sooo atrocious for me. Oo, I had my faults too pero it wouldnt be like this kung di sila umepal. Alam mo yung.. ETO NA YUN EH. I never felt this way before. ARGH. whatever. dahil sa kanila nawala xa. :(

Hindi porke tumatawa e MASAYA.

*SIGH*

G's - August 25, 2009

Chill.

Getting there.

DRUNK.

Hahaha

I did enjoy this day.

I get to scream like no one's there.

DRUNK eh.

I didn't give a fuck to anyone. :))

I was screaming his name.

Asking him na balikan ako.

Para naman maririnig nea dba?

Saktong baliw lang.

Ayun kakasigaw nahimasmasan ako.

HAHA.

Good thing di ako tulad ni Eean pag nalalasing.

Kundi Janna's dead. :))

Tara na kasi. Mag TAGAYTAY na tayo.

I wanna scream my lungs out.

It's just too soon.

I've been keeping this for a while now.

Iniiwasan ko isipin.

Err.

His friend tagged a picture of him.

I can't remember kung kelan yung last na view ko sa profile nea.

Stalker much?

IKR.

I just wanna know if he's doing fine.

Basta.

Well, its a group pic.

Then I saw the comments.

FCUK.

He's already falling for someone else?

Ansakit e. :((

It's just too soon.

He doesn't know how much I reserved myself for him.

I don't even have plans to have a boyfriend or whatever this soon kung hindi rin xa.

I'm not being selfish pero sana hindi naman ganon kabilis.

May kapalit na agad ako?

It's super PAINFUL.

I don't know if there's a development with them or anything.

I don't wanna knooooooooow. :((

I don't wanna think about it but it keeps flashing back.

Achhh!!!

I know my friends are trying to help me move on.

Kulang na lang itulak ako sa lalake e.

Pero wala talaga

WALA!

Siya lang talaga.

Alam nila yun.

Para bang "You and me against the world"

Pero there's no YOU.

Me lang. :(

You still have me.

You still own my heart.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

kung alam mo lang.

I'm still here.

Hanging.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. :(

OUT.

I'm off too school. lol.

Well not to school.

To Gorge's Spot haha.

And I'm gonna drink 'til I puke. :))

Redknucklehead

I got some thoughts but can't compile 'em yet so I'm just putting this up. I'm a redhead. lol. I can't do anything with my hair. Somebody told me that I should grow it back that's why I can't afford to lose even an inch of it. :'(

Lol what's with the peace sign? haha

Behind every smiles or laughs, there's a tormenting pain.

I've been good hiding my feelings.

Concealing the pain I'm experiencing.

People thought I'm alright because I'm smiling and laughing.

I don't wanna burden them with my problems.

I just answer them sarcastically like I'm not affected or something so they'd just shoo off the topic.

But deep inside I'm crying about the pain.

But now I'm having a very hard time hiding it.

It's so hard.

It's so hard to pretend that you're okay.

That you're strong.

My emotions are spilling out.

I remember what my professor told me, "I know you're strong. I can see that when you talk to them."

I wanna tell her, "I look tough but I'm really weak deep within. I just don't like being intimidated so I try to intimidate them instead."

(I've been bullied when I was little that's why I'm like this. I tend to intimidate people to conceal my weakness.)

She's asked me, "What happened? Di ka naman ganyan dati eh."

I didn't answer her.

She said, "Don't let anybody see you're weaknesses."

I've lowered my guard too much.

Then it's been an open target.

BANG!

I'm too tired.

I'm too tired pretending that I'm okay.

That I'm strong.

Behind every smiles or laughs, there's a tormenting pain.

Now, I can say that I belong to the class clowns.

Class clowns = People who never fails to break the ice when the class is bored. And they're also the ones who masks their anxiety and depression by clowning around.

WEAK.

I've been struggling for this past month.

I wasn't able to control myself.

I've been so emotionally weak.

It affected a huge aspect of my life.

I've been depressed.

I can't focus on anything.

My studies has been affected.

God damn it.

I'm supposed to be on my last year but I really can't concentrate.

Depression + lack of concentration = BOOM

I got stuck.

So I decided to drop my THESIS.

It means I won't graduate this 2010.

It means I'll extend for another year.

It means I can't march with my classmates.

Will I be able to accept the chaotic depression these events would give me?

Can I endure it?

I can't help but blame myself for being weak.

Chances we're given but I didn't do anything.

I know.

I'm stupid.

I'm so sorry for the people who supported me.

Sorry.

I FAILED.

Heaven knows.

This is the song that has been playing on my mind for a while now..

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.
My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
(Repeat Chorus except last line)
Bridge:
'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?
(Repeat Chorus)
Heaven knows... heaven knows.

Ate, asan yung boyfriend mo? Si Kuya Cholo?

I went out of the room to check my nieces. I was asked to babysit them cmon.

Tricia: "Umiyak ka ba?"

Lyka: "Onga ate umiyak ka ba? Bat ganyan mata mo?"

Me: "Di noh, ewan ko rin bakit ganon e.. pag kaligo ko ganyan na e.."

Lyka: "Ganon pala yun pag naligo" *sarcastic*


After a few hours..

My niece and I were lying down the mattress and suddenly she asked a question:

Tricia: "Ate, asan na yung boyfriend mo? si kuya cholo?"

Me: "Ahh.. wala na eh.."

Tricia: "Bakit?"

Me: " May mga bagay na hindi mo pa maiintindihan sa ngayon.."

Tricia: "Maiintindihan ko yun.. Okay lang naman kahit umiyak ka e.."

Me: "..."


Change topic. Iwas tanong.

Is it really that obvious? pati sila napapansin depression ko? :'(

IMY

I miss him so much.

I can't stop reminiscin'.

The way he smiles..

The way he would kiss me..

The way he would look like a baby whenever he sleeps..

The way he teases me..

The way he dances and make me laugh so hard..

The way he would drive and scare me to death..

The way he holds my hand while he's driving..

The way he sings and make fun of a song..

The way he would sway his hair..

The way he would pinch my arms..

The way he gets mad whenever I tried to tickle him..

The way he would ask me if I'm hungry whenever he's the one who's hungry..

The way he would get mad whenever I'd stay awake 'til morning..

I miss him a lot..

Everything about him..

It's killing me..

It's tearing me apart..

The fact that he's not coming back anymore.. :((

I'm trying to keep moving forward..

But it's so hard..

Something is trying to pull me back..

Although there's nothing left for me to go back for..

Impossible

It was just now that I decided to message him on his yahoo.

It was just now that I got the courage to do that after being traumatized.

I said, "I love you I'm so sorry. :(("

His reply was, "What is your problem? didnt i tell you not to bother me again?? stop messaging me."

The tears immediately pour down my face.

I was shaking.

It was painful enough for me that I wasn't able to reply.

I was still hopeful to save our friendship.

But its impossible now.

It's hard to accept that he didn't even fight for me.

I took all the blame even if I shouldn't.

But until now, I can't make myself to hate him.

I still love him so much.

Why is it so fucking hard to move on?

Questions

There are Three fucking questions I can't answer truthfully right now.

1. How's your HEART?

2. Are you Okay?

3. How's your thesis?

I always get stupefied when these questions were asked.

BOOM.

LOVE CAN BE DANGEROUS AFTER ALL.

It was that day when love messed up my life.

It was really painful.
The words left unsaid and the words thrown.

TRAUMATIC.

I was consecutively crying for the whole 2 hours starting 4 am. It was past 5 in the morning and I was so desperate to talk to someone and tell em what my problem was. I called Jackie purposely to wake her up (I'm her alarm clock) then I wasn't able to compose myself and started crying but she needed to say goodbye soon. So I called Janna. Janna was one of my best buds. She knows everything. I was crying to her, I was even asking her why that thing happened (like she knows the answer). I was crying like a baby.

Vicious thoughts.
I wanna kill myself.
I wanted to end everything up.

Then things suddenly got gloomy.
So I said goodbye to Janna.

Everything turned dark.
I was gasping for air.
Chills.
Palpitations.
Chest pains.
I've experienced another panic attack.
Thought I was going to die.
Thought my heartbeat's stopping.
Well, I was hoping.
Everything blacked out.
FAINTED.

My senses came up around 10 in the morning.
The words. The pain. The reality came back.
I started crying quietly again.
It's like I've been paralyzed.
I can't move, I just cried and stared at the ceiling.

My mom was calling me and knocking at my door.
I didn't answer.
They were checking on me every hour and still I didn't answer.
It was 4pm when my mom was forcefully knocking at my door.

I just said "O?" to stop her from worrying.
I heard my mom sighed with relief.
"She's still alive."


It was that day that I really wanted to die. Yes, I'm a suicidal freak. I just wanna die. I just wanted to get rid of the pain that's tearing me up. But this time its way too different. It was that day I wanted to end my life without worrying about anyone. Everyone's out of my system. Its just this time that I didn't worry about my mom, my cousins, my friends, EVERYONE. I was very determined to end it up. I thought of getting the kitchen knife and just slit my wrist and bleed to death. Thanks God (should I really thank him?) that I fainted. What happened made a big impact on me. The most traumatic. The most painful.

the verdict?

LOVE CAN BE DANGEROUS AFTER ALL.

Finally

I've been depressed for a month now. Why?

Same old shit. Heart problems.

I've given everything.

I accepted everything about him.

His attitude was the hardest part for me to accept.

Narrow-minded.

Immature.

But still I tried hard to understand him.

Very hard.

I love him so much.

I've been deaf, blind and mute for him.

Deaf?

I've covered up my ears to those who tried to traduce him.

Blind?

I've covered up my eyes to the truth that was so painful to accept.

Mute?

I've covered up my mouth for the painful words that wanted to get out whenever I get hurt.

There's a lot of my emotional pains he didn't get to hear about.

Well, I don't blame him.

I did that out of love.

No one's perfect.

I've been faulty too.

He's the one I wanted to spend my life with.

He's the only one I've imagined to be my husband.

But now he's gone.

He left me.

And went off with his EGO.

The fact that he never listened to me was the most painful, the most excruciating.

'til our last moment, he didn't listen, he didn't consider any explanations from me.

I can't even get mad at him.

I love him so much :(

Now I'm so fucked up.

I'm so depressed.

But I still wanna hang on and run after him.

I know I shouldn't.

But it's too hard.

I love him so much.

I'll try to go on with my life.

But I won't close my door if he wanted me back but I'm not keeping my hopes up.

I know time would heal the pain.

It's just really hard to move on.

Even if its hard, I'm moving on.