Forcing myself to sleep

After all the things that happened in the past,

You're still the reason why I smile.

After all the pain that I've been through,

You're still the reason why I'm alive.

This past few days, I've been forcing myself to sleep.

Sleep was one of my anesthesia from emotional pain other than alcohol.

Atleast even for that moment, I wouldn't feel the pain for loving so much.

I'll hug my pillow tight and imagine it was you.

And I'll feel relieved.

I'll try to fill my head with the good memories we've had.

Then I'll feel a sudden twitch on my chest and start crying.

I cried because I was happy that there's "US" that happened,

That once in my life, I had you.

Then I'll fall asleep.

Those thoughts make me feel safe.

Makes me feel at peace.

But every time I wake up was always like "a moment of truth."

The truth that I'll never have you back.

And I'll just be a part of your past.

I guess I'll just be thankful that I've been part of your life.

Whether you like it or not.

I still love you.

I'll always do.

It's my choice.

I'm not asking for anything in return.